For whatever reason, people make big deals out of their birthdays. This year I enter a new decade of life and turn the big three zero. I’m not sure which fact is making me reflect more about my time in my 20s the fact I’m about to celebrate another trip around the sun or the fact I’m about to enter a new decade of life, but here are some things I’ve learned in the last 10 years that I wish I could have known sooner.
1) My purpose. If you grew up in America like I did, you always get this picture painted for you of what life SHOULD look like as you “grow up” and do the “adult” type things. A college degree is highly recommended. Somewhere along the way, one degree was no longer enough. You should be married by 30 (but really the sooner the better), have a two-story house, a white picket fence, 2.5 children, a dog, and make a ridiculous amount of money. That’s the American dream everyone desires to have. If you grew up in the church, you told to find your purpose in Christ. So… what happens if you grow up thinking both of these things? If everyone is uniquely made by God, with a specific purpose in mind, can everyone in America really have the same purpose of being married by 30, two-story house and so on?
For the majority of my 20’s, there was this lack of satisfaction or contentment in my life. If I’m honest, I still struggle with it. I did the whole go to college and get your degree thing. I thought that was so much fun, so I went back for another 2 years to get my masters. These actions were fueled by the idea of achieving the American dream. As my 20s progressed, the ONLY thing I had from that list of the American dream was a dog, and then she died. In the back of my mind, I had this belief that one day God’s voice would loudly come out of the Bible and tell me what to do, how to do it, and BOOM! The American dream would be mine. If you read the Bible though, as a Christian, you are never promised the American dream or anything of the sorts. You are promised that God will provide for your every need and sustain you no matter the circumstance . He is enough. You are guaranteed hard times, and to take heart that the world will hate you, as it hated Him first. We know all these things will be used to conform us into the likeness of Christ. I read a book by Kevin DeYoung about finding God’s will for your life. Kevin put it this way- “God’s will for your life is your sanctification.” I may never achieve the American dream. I’m not even sure I really want that dream. But if I’m seeking the Lord, and following Him, He will continue to sanctify me and mold me into the person He has created me to be. The Bible is clear that we are to glorify God and tell others about Him- that is our purpose. Being sanctified and conformed to His likeness is the best way to give Him glory. I would rather know I spent my life giving him glory versus trying to make much of myself and achieve the American dream.
2) I learned about grief. I’m not sure that I wish I understood grief the way that I do now sooner, but I wish I had a better understanding of what grief was, what it meant to grieve and how it affects different people before I had to experience it. Death is inevitable, right? At some point, every single one of us will die, and every single one of us will lose someone we love. It’s just a part of life. It wasn’t supposed to be originally, but it’s a consequence from the fall of man. (If you have no idea what “the fall of man” is, send me a message and we will talk.) We know that one day, Christ will return and there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, and no more pain, but what about until then? I’ve learned on my journey that there are several things you can turn to that “help” with the grief or take your mind off it. People respond to grief and handle it in completely different ways. You have the 5 stages of grief, and you make your way through all of them. Sometimes you get to go through some of the stages more than once. Watching the waves at the beach helped me understand my grief the most. Some days the waves at the beach are super chill. There is a green flag flying in the air. The waves are small, and you hardly even notice them. But some days there is that dreaded double red flag. Massive waves that can cause even the best swimmers to drown. Grief is the same as the waves. Some days, you notice the sadness and pain, but you can function. You can do all the things you had planned for the day, and you’ll even be able to do it with a smile. Some days, the waves of grief will be so overwhelming you can barely make it out of bed and function like a human being. It’s okay to have those days sometimes, but you can’t let grief control your life like that everyday. Grief won’t ever fully go away. Your life will go on, but there will always be this sort of hole the person you lost left in your life. But you will live again. You will learn to go on and enjoy life. The only true place to find hope, peace, and healing in the midst of grief is in Christ. Seek Him and Him alone. Let Him be your source of comfort as you navigate grief.
3) I remember growing up watching the show Full House. There is one episode that I’ll never forget, and I now understand why. Stephanie gave Uncle Jesse a “pretend” haircut that ended up cutting off some of his precious hair. In a mad frenzy to get to his barber to fix his hair, he wrecks his motorcycle and breaks both arms. You know the episode, right? If not, sorry for the spoiler. The Beatles’ song “Help!” played in the episode. For whatever reason, that episode gave me the idea that you asked for help only when the worst of the worst had happened, and to do it before then proved you to be a weaker member of the human race. If you didn’t know this yet, that’s totally false. We need each other. We need community. No one is perfect. No one is so strong that in their own might they can handle all the things this life will throw at him. In fact, the only person who was perfect, Jesus, HAD COMMUNITY. Jesus had the 12 disciples who He spent a great amount of time with as He was doing ministry. He also had the three, Peter, James, and John, that He was closest to. If Jesus, the perfect son of God, needed community, we, as sinful humans, also need it.
Community is hard. Letting people into the nitty gritty of your life is hard. Being vulnerable with other people and letting them know how you are struggling is the hardest for me. But you know what? It is so worth. Community is vital in walking the Christian life. Community holds us accountable. Community points us to scripture. Community reminds us we are not alone. God created us to be a people group in community. Even if you think you like dogs better than people, embrace it. Community is valuable and worth it.
4) There has always been this stigma around mental health and seeking help for it. If you go to therapy or any kind of mental health professional, you must be seriously crazy. You are probably one of those people who the writers of Criminal Minds are inspired by, but you just haven’t made it that far gone yet. Summer of 2022, I made one of the best decisions in my life. I went to therapy. God bless my therapist because man was I a mess that day and several of the next appointments with her. It became clear to me and to those around me that I needed help in dealing with the grief and hard things in life that I had encountered. I’m pretty sure a friend gave me the ultimatum of do it or else. (See, proof that community is important.) I’m not sure what the “or else” was going to be, but I’m too big of a people pleaser to not do it and find out. Therapy has helped change me into the person I am today. Sure, I still have lots to process and grow from, but I can look back and see where I am on the road to truly being the person God has called me to be. Antidepressants also aren’t “of the devil”. They are tools used to help. Being on an antidepressant doesn’t mean you haven’t prayed hard enough. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust the Lord enough. Sometimes life is hard, and the chemicals in your brain don’t work right. A combination of therapy and medicine can help those things. And if you can’t function without an antidepressant once going on it, that’s okay as long as you are actively seeking the Lord and pursuing Him. For me personally, I don’t know if and when I’ll be able to live life without an antidepressant again, but I am confident that regardless of what happens, the same one who made me and has seen me walk through every season of life with be the same one to sustain me until He calls me home.
5) Boundaries are good. When done correctly, they are the best way to love. It also helps you establish what you will and will not tolerate from people and in life. For instance, if you talk trash about my Cowboys in a rude way, we may not be able to continue talking about football together (I’m mostly joking). The Bible even mentions boundaries. And I don’t know that I even realized that until I began to understand what a boundary is and is not. The book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud is a game changer. A friend gave it to me for my 28th birthday (there’s that dadgum community showing up again), and I have since recommended it to all my friends. Whenever I find myself struggling with boundaries in a certain area of my life, I go back to the book and read the chapter that deals specifically with whatever it is I’m dealing with. I’m still learning it, but it’s okay to tell someone “No.” No is not a bad word to use. It doesn’t mean you aren’t loving or a good person. It just means you know who you are and what you will and will not do.
Some other, less serious, things I’ve been able to learn.
6) When driving, always look out for dogs. Car, moto, bicycle, look out for dogs especially if you are driving in a different country.
7) Duct tape or super glue will fix most things. Ask me how many things I’ve used super glue to fix since being overseas.
8) It is best to keep water bottles or cups of water at random locations around your house in case of alien invasions. Shout out to M Night Shyamalan for that knowledge. Apparently, we have captured live aliens somewhere in Mexico so this could become a serious thing.
9) In case of a zombie apocalypse, double tap to ensure the zombie is dead. I may or may not have a zombie apocalypse survival plan just in case!
10) If ever in a foreign country and you are concerned you are about to be chased by wild animals, talk to them in their native language. Tell them hello. Ask them how they are. Tell them you love whatever animal it is that they are. I’ve been around wild monkeys five times. The two times I spoke Khmer to them, they left me alone. The other three times did not have the same results.
My 20s is a decade I won’t forget soon. Two graduations. Four different moves. The death of one of my favorite people. I laughed. I cried. Okay, I cried a lot, and in front of a lot of people. I was confused. In it all, God was good and working and moving in all things. I’m not sure what this next decade will bring, but I look forward to looking back over my 30s and seeing all the growth the Lord has done in my life and all the new things I’ll get to learn.
Psalm 13:5-6
“But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
Grief. Going. Healing. 