Grief. Going. Healing.

I remember returning from my first summer overseas. Thomas was at home for the weekend… maybe even longer. The timeframe is a little fuzzy. I was jet lagged. Reverse cultured shocked. All the things, but he was adamant that we watched the first season of Stranger Things.

For some context, Thomas LOVED watching tv shows. He also loved insisting I watch all of the shows he was watching whether I wanted to or not. If by some miracle, I stood my ground long enough, he would attack at a moment of weakness and turn the show on when I wasn’t able to argue with him. More often than not, after claiming not to like the show (naturally, just on the principle that I didn’t want to watch it and he tricked me), we would binge watch whatever series it was together. Parks and Rec. Santa Clarita Diet. Third Rock from the Sun (this is when he realized I get too emotionally attached to shows and their characters). The Good Place. The list keeps going, but I think our personal favorite was Stranger Things.

Now, back to the story I was telling. It was the summer of 2017, August time frame. I was JET LAGGED and tripping out on all the things. My body could not adjust to being back in America. Thomas took advantage of my state and turned on Stranger Things. The amount of times he would rewind the show is slightly embarrassing. He was convinced I had either fallen asleep or wasn’t paying attention. Both probable. He insisted we finished it while he was home on that visit because season 2 would be coming out in two months. He knew I would need time to process what I watched and then rewatch the whole season at least once before the release of season 2.

Whether I was willing to admit it to him or not at the time, I was hooked. I had a new favorite show. By the time season 3 came out, I was getting Stranger Things merch from Thomas for my birthday and Christmas. Scoops ahoy shirt? Had it. A shirt so obscure about waffles and 11, that if you weren’t a legit fan, there was no way you were going to get the reference. I remember Thomas being so excited about season 4. I also remember him being SO annoyed when filming had to be postponed because of Covid.

Thomas would never get to see season 4. Season 4 premiered the summer after he died. I have avoided most shows and movies that Thomas and I watched together. Especially anything that was new. Like a new movie to a series or a new season. It was just too hard to watch our favorite things without him. For whatever reason though, I was determined to watch season 4 of Stranger Things. If not for me, for Thomas. I was going to watch it because he couldn’t.

To this day, I’ve only watched episode 1 of season 4. You can’t tell me it wasn’t significantly darker than the rest of the seasons. A floating, supposedly possessed body? Yeah, no thanks. Season 4 came out swinging talking about grief and dead brothers. Spoiler if you haven’t watched Season 3 yet. Billy, Max’s older brother, died at the end of season 3. Season 4 picks up with Max processing her grief. It hit entirely too close to home. My brother was dead. I was still processing my grief and what it meant to live life without him here. Why would I watch Max have flashbacks to her brother’s death when I could just close my eyes and experience my own flashbacks to the week Thomas died? I spent the entire episode on edge. I swore to be done with Stranger Things and never watch another episode.

For the last month or so, I’ve seen advertisements for Stranger Things themed ice cream sold only at Walmart. I told myself if I ever happened to be in Walmart (not my go to shopping place), and I found the ice cream, I’d buy it. If Thomas were here, we would have already had all of the flavors bought and tried them all. I’ll be honest, we probably would be on our second round of purchasing it. Well, today, I found it. I bought two flavors to try. Seeing the ice cream in person, not just on an advertisement, made me sad.

Grief’s a weird thing, right? Ice cream, ICE CREAM, provoked sadness today. I’m grateful though, that after almost 3 years, the things that once would have caused a breakdown in the store, just cause sadness. Things that would have ruined my hour/day/week, just bring my brother and all of the good memories to mind. Grief’s not linear, far from it, but I’m grateful that missing my brother is easier than it used to be.

So tonight, I’m going to try my Stranger Things, Scoops Ahoy ice cream and be grateful that Thomas made me watch it all those years ago.