According to Word press, I posted my first blog on August 23rd of last year. In all honesty, I probably was working on that first post a week or so before actually posting it for the world to see. Doubts and second guesses caused me to delay in posting it. Was it good? How was my grammar? Was I writing anything that was theologically wrong or taken out of context?
When I made that first post, I had no idea what would follow. I just knew I needed to have a blog. Had you told me a year ago that I would write 22 posts over the next year, I wouldn’t have believed you. Had you told me that I would LIKE blogging, I would have laughed at you. But a year later, here I am, still blogging. Still writing about what the Lord has done, is doing, and even what I expect He will do. The past year I wrote a little bit more about grief and mental health than I had planned, but the spirit led me to write such things.
To celebrate my one year of blogging, and then some, I thought I would list my top 5 posts from the last year and why I chose them. Maybe they made me smile. Maybe they were the hardest things to write. Maybe writing about and then proof reading it, reminded me of the faithfulness and goodness of God when I needed it most. Here’s my top 5.
#5- The Beginning
The first blog post I ever wrote was terrifying. I majored in math because it involved the least amount of writing. I had to know the least amount of grammar and knowledge as to how to properly use the English language. So the fact that I was going to start writing and let the whole world read it seemed absurd to me. To take it a step further, not only was I going to be writing and sharing things, I was going to throw in scripture and what the Lord’s been showing me as I spend time with Him? I am no theologian, and I was terrified I’d be labeled a heretic by someone because of that. So far, no one has labeled me a heretic (that I’m aware of). I can compare the first post to the ones that followed and see how my posts really became my own and reflected who I am and what I wanted to share.
#4 Griefy
For the longest time after my brother died, I struggled to answer the question “How are you?”. Griefy, while not a word, became the best answer to that question on the hard days. Writing this post let me express the thoughts in my head and how some days are hard, and filled with grief, but I’m still functioning and doing all the things. Christmas- I’m probably going to be some level of griefy. His birthday? Probably griefy. I’m thankful to have a word to describe how I’m doing even if it’s not a real word.
#3 Is it Good?
I had this really great idea to buy a grief book for siblings where each day you had some sort of writing prompt. I worked through the book with my therapist. We didn’t cover every prompt, but enough that I knew I couldn’t skip a day or give a vague answer to one in hopes of not having to discuss it. One of the prompts and one of my answers, made it sound like I didn’t believe it was good for a believer to die. To take it a step further, it made it sound like I didn’t think good people deserved to die. I tried to rebuttal my therapist and her questioning of my beliefs (that’s what it felt like anyways), but we just went in circles. I left MAD and confused that day. This blog was the processing of that therapy session. Not that I don’t think death is good for a believer. How could it not be good? To meet our maker and loving Father and spend eternity worshipping Him? Sounds pretty sweet, right? And it’s not that I think good people don’t deserve to die, because according to scripture, all of us a sinners an no one is inherently good in this fallen world. Praise God though that He sent His son to die on the cross to be the sacrifice for the sins of those who believe in Him. I had issues that I didn’t get MY way. I had issues that God didn’t answer my prayers how I wanted. I was ANGRY that my brother died. But, scripture is clear, the Lord knew when and how Thomas would die. The Lord’s plans can’t be thwarted. His plans are good. His plans are better than my own. While I miss my brother, I can trust that the Lord is in control.
When I first started therapy, my therapist had me read some book about healing your inner child. It was great at first. It was talking about all of these things that I needed to work on or grow in. Then the author started talking about talking to your inner child… you had to picture little you, and step in as someone from the future and tell them all would be alright or whatever it was your inner child needed to hear. If you’ve followed along with me, we all know I thought this was DUMB and didn’t do it. In a way, this blog was like that exercise. It wasn’t directed towards my “inner child”, but it was directed towards teenage me and so many things I needed to know during those years. It was healing. It helped me see how far I’ve come. Maybe I should go back and do those inner child exercises from that book now.
Some Honorable Mentions
#1 Anniversaries and Anxieties and Covid
Probably the hardest post I’ve written to date. I do all things in August to avoid memories about how my brother died. I typically remove Facebook from my phone and avoid it until the actual anniversary of his death. This year, I embraced the hurt and grief and sorrow that I so desperately try to avoid. The amount of nights I sat at my computer and cried because writing this was so painful. It was so honest. I almost didn’t share it because of it. Because of how personal and honest I was. But, I needed my brother’s story to be shared. I needed to share the perspective of someone who lost a loved one to Covid. I’m so glad I did. Writing is so therapeutic for me and writing my story… writing Thomas’ story… brought some healing that I didn’t realize I needed. It helped me process and face the demons I so desperately run from during the month of August.
One year of blogging down. One year of using this blog to share my story. One year writing about the Lord and His goodness. Hopefully more years of writing to go. If you’ve been following along the last year, or just started, thank you for taking time out of your day to read what I write. It’s not life changing or even that deep, but it’s my thoughts and I’m grateful you’ve followed along.
Grief. Going. Healing. 
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