Grief. Going. Healing.

Growing up, next to Christmas, my birthday was my favorite day of the year. A day all about me. What I wanted to do. Who I wanted to be around. What I wanted to eat. Sounds a little selfish, I know. Birthdays were magical. The sights. The sounds. The food. The presents. I got to choose the cake flavor and design. I went through a phase where I was convinced marble cake was the best. During the phase, my mom would always ask if I was SURE that I wanted a marble cake. Somewhere along the way I regained my senses about chocolate being the superior cake flavor.

My brothers’ birthdays were magical to me too. Probably in part because I knew I was the younger sibling and whatever old toys or items they got rid of, I could make a case for why they should be mine. I remember being just as excited for them as I would have been for myself on their day. Seeing their faces as they opened gifts and hung out with friends always made me happy- until I was no longer included in the festivities because I was a “little kid” and they were going to do “big kid” stuff.

I feel like every year was special. Some special memory happened every birthday. One year, my dad bought me a Scooby Doo watch, and I was CONVINCED I was the coolest 8 year old because of it. Another year, we were on a family vacation just days before my birthday, but because of a hurricane, we had to return home and prepare for whatever was to come. The hurricane ended up being mild- probably a tropical depression. We still got to order a cake from Walmart and have some close family friends over to celebrate my big day. I remember I was in my power puff girl stage of life so my cake that year had pink and purple icing and was featuring Blossom, Bubbles, and the best one, Buttercup. The only thing that could have made Buttercup better was if she wore orange clothes instead of green, but that’s just personal preference.

As a kid, I never understood how adults could or would lie about their age. Or lie about their birthday and when it was. Or even not be EXCITED about their birthday. Your birthday is supposed to be all about celebrating you and your life… How could you NOT be excited? How could anyone just respond with birthdays aren’t exciting and are just another day. I couldn’t wrap my head around this type of response.

Somewhere in my mid to late 20s, I started to understand this response to birthdays. I think that’s partially why I’m writing this. Somewhere along the line, I decided I’m not sure that birthdays are that big of a deal. As my 31st birthday approaches, I’ve been trying to figure out what is my beef with birthdays? How did they go from magical to just another day or dare I say it, a day I dread?

Could it be in part that my oldest brother is gone? Thomas made a big deal about birthdays. Maybe the lack of his presences have made them less special.

Could it be lack of contentment? This is NOT what I pictured my life like in the 30s. No spouse. No kids. No house. No career. Another year is over that I’ve disappointed myself and others who had high expectations for me. Do I dread birthdays because it’s another year that isn’t meeting what I expected my life to look like, and instead of being content with where the Lord has me, I get caught up in what my plans were?

Could it be the depression and mental health battle? I feel like everyday is a battle. Does a new year of life also mean a new year of dealing with mental health stuff? Will the next year bring reprieve or bring some new element to the battle? I’m a catastrophic thinker so naturally I assume it will bring the worst case scenario.

Building off the previous thought… Could it be, that I feel unworthy to be celebrated? Unworthy for people to let me know that they are glad I’m alive? Unworthy to receive love? I’m a burden on days that aren’t my birthday, what’s that make me on my birthday? I have thoughts like this pretty regularly.

As all of these thoughts have spent an equal and ridiculous amount of time in my brain the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to remind myself of truth and get myself “hyped up” for turning 31.

Birthdays are always going to be different without Thomas. Heck, life is different, but that’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean they can’t be special and magical without him here to celebrate with.

Life is not what I pictured. And you know what, as I’ve grieved not having the life I pictured, I’ve learned that that’s okay. At 8 years old, I surrendered my life to Christ. I made Him my Master. I am His servant. I am His child, and He has great plans for me. I haven’t seen the full picture yet, and I might not ever, but I am confident that His plan and His timing is perfect. My life may never look like what I thought, but God has me. He is going to provide for me and sustain me as He sits fit- not me. I’m following the Lord and that’s what matters. I’m not a disappointment.

Mental health. This has been the hardest for me to think about. Maybe it’s because of the culture the church had about mental health when I was growing up- some people still have it. If you prayed hard enough, or believed He would heal you, your issues would be gone. Can God heal people? Absolutely. Is it a lack of faith for me to still be struggling with depression and anxiety? No. The bible talks about anxiety and casting it to the Lord (I think I’ve even written on that before). The reality is, I’m still working on it. 31 could be the year the Lord takes away the depression and anxiety, and if not, I know He has me. I am safe and secure in Him.

Am I actually a burden? I don’t think so… I believe it a lot, but I don’t honestly think it’s true. I think we have an enemy who seeks to make us feel isolated and alone in the hardest seasons of our lives. I am known and loved by Christ. So loved. Probably more loved than I truly understand. I have people in my life who love the Lord, love me, and remind me of their love and His.

31 is coming whether I’m ready for it or not. I could dwell on the unknowns the next year will bring, but that will just feed my anxiety and lack of excitement for the day. Instead, I’m going to focus on what I know to be true. The Lord cares for and loves me. He sustains me and provides for my every need. His mercies are new every day. I am His child. I’ve been forgiven of my sins and saved by grace through faith in Jesus. I was created by Him for good works, and as long as I have another year here, He still has plans and good works for me to do. Here’s to 31. May it be another year the Lord continues to sanctify me, mold me into who He’s called me to be, and contain a plethora of gospel conversations either here or back on the other side of the world.

• Saying Goodbye to 2025.
• Thankful 32
• Advent: Wonderful Counselor
• The Little Things
• Christ as Lord