It’s been 7 months since I got home from the other side of the world. Before I left to come home, I had what I thought was a pretty solid and realistic plan to return back to the other side of the world within the next year. I figured there was no way I wouldn’t be back in Slakaet by March of next year… summer at the latest. Now, I’m thinking the end of next year is probably the most realistic timeframe and even then is it really?
Coming home and transitioning to life in the States has been harder than I realized possible. My life in America paused, but all of my people here, their lives kept going. Trying to figure out how to integrate back in has often left me feeling like an outsider. It’s almost like there is/was this massive glass wall between me and everyone. I can see them. They can see me, but I don’t know how to make my way through the wall and be more than just seen. How do I get back in the community and fellowship I once had here?
On the other side of the coin… While I’m back in the States, life for my friends on the other side of the world continues. I’m missing birthdays. Holidays. Special occasions. If and when I go back, will I have the same kind of feeling there that I have here now? Except this time it will involve reintegrating into a culture that I wasn’t raised in. It will involve hitting the books hard to become fluent in a language that I can only speak a little in. The thought of feeling what I’m feeling now again is overwhelming.
This time last year I was NOT having a fun time. Somehow… I managed to get multiple staph infections on my chin. It was bad. Eating during this time took forever. My chin and surrounding areas were so swollen about half of the food I’d put in my mouth would fall out because I couldn’t close my mouth the whole way. Snapchat has been giving me all of the on this day last year pictures of the progression of my infection. I remember thinking this is bad, but I didn’t realize how rough of shape I was truly in until seeing these pictures again this week. I understand why the few who got the daily chin updates were really concerned about my health.
I stayed at a hotel for several days during this time. The hotel had hot showers to help the infection come out. It had aircon to keep me comfortable while my body was fighting off the staph. It had a restaurant downstairs that I could go get food at when I was hungry. It was the best situation I could be in considering what I was going through.
Something a lot of people didn’t know, and shame on me for not being honest, I was struggling with life overseas before the infection hit. Different personalities clashing. Different theological beliefs clashing. It seemed like every week it was something new and then to top it off, I got the infection. One night, I was in so much pain, and I was so worried about the color of the infection slowly coming out of my chin, I remember praying for the Lord to let me go home. If my next 5 months were going to be like this… I couldn’t do it.
A few days later, I went back to the hospital. The doctor decided it was time to cut my chin open and drain the infections. Letting them take their own time to drain was taking too long and my throat area was beginning to swell. The doctor put some kind of numbing medication on my face and before it kicked in, he began slicing and dicing on my chin. My initial reaction was in this infection doesn’t kill me, my parents will when I get home. The procedure then required me to have almost daily visits to the hospital to continue to have the infection and now incision on my face cleaned and examined.
When I told the Lord, I couldn’t do this if this is what the next 5 months would look like, I had no idea that my next 5 months would look exactly like that. It came to light sometime in January that I was having an issue with Chronic Staph (who knew that was a thing). I had another massive infection, but this time, it was on my forehead and it looked like I had an alien growing out of my head. I thought the chin was bad. Also, not a fun time.
The point of the story about the staph infections will eventually lead to answering the prompt. The last 5 months overseas were probably the best months. I made new friends- almost like family. My language skills increased exponentially. I lived on my own and was able to prove to myself and others that I could in fact live on my own overseas and be okay. I’m glad the Lord didn’t allow me to go home when I thought my chin was going to rot off. I’m glad… dare I say it… for the run of staph infections I had. It strengthened my walk with the Lord. He sustained me. He gave me the people I needed and the medication. I look back over this time and can do nothing but see HIS faithfulness and provision.
What have I been putting off and why? My return overseas involves lots of moving parts. Increasing my theological knowledge. Getting better mentally, emotionally, spiritually, even physically and doing all the things that are required for that to happen. I need some kind of organization to partner with overseas. As much fun as being a lone ranger at an international school was, that’s not the way to do life overseas long term.
I’ve “put off” the last part of the things to do. I know what I’m going to do to further my theological knowledge, but I have to wait until I can afford it. I’ve been doing all the things for the list of the areas in my life that I need to improve. I just haven’t taken the steps past googling organizations to work with. I haven’t initiated those conversations about how would I serve with them… what are their beliefs? What do they require? How do they support their people overseas?
If my goal is to go back overseas, and it is, it’s time to stop putting off the hard part of finding that organization. The Lord is faithful. His timing is perfect. If He’s truly leading me overseas, He will provide the way for me and all of the necessary pieces, but it’s time for me to start putting in all of the work required for that to happen and taking steps of obedience.
Acts 20:24 – However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.
I told the Lord send me, I’ll go. My life means nothing if I don’t do what the Lord has commanded. So, it’s time to stop putting things off and find the last piece of the puzzle that’s needed to go back overseas.
Grief. Going. Healing. 
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