Grief. Going. Healing.

Grinch, Scrooge, and Buddy the Elf.

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Growing up, Christmas and the holiday season was my jam. Can you even say that? I lived for ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas. Everyday, I would be sure to enjoy at least one show of their countdown. Jack Frost, Santa Clause is Coming to Down, A Year Without Santa, were hands down the best movies to watch at Christmas time. I loved singing all the Christmas carols at church, going Christmas caroling with my friends, and singing the 12 Day of Christmas- redneck style. If you know, you know. If you don’t, go look it up. I was basically the female version of Buddy the Elf.

I loved the holiday traditions. I knew, for the most part, what every holiday season would have instore. I knew when decorations would be put up. I knew what kind of cookies we would bake. At some point, I would attempt to put together a gingerbread house by myself. Thomas would swoop in with some sarcastic comment as I was struggling only to help my vision for the gingerbread house come true. I knew on December 23rd, I’d stay the night at my grandma’s. On the 24th, my entire family would gather at her house to celebrate Christmas. When the celebration was over, we would go home, put on our pajamas, leave the milk and cookies out for Santa, and then call it a night. And on Christmas Day, we would spend it at home. I knew I wasn’t allowed to wake my parents up until 6 am. Once I was old enough, I was expected to bring coffee with my for my mom when I barged into their room yelling “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! SANTA CAME!!!”. (Yes, I did this even after my parents clued me in about the man who wears a redcoat and brings toys to the kids all around the world) My brothers weren’t so lucky on Christmas Day, as soon as I was up, they were also up.

When we were older, Christmas Eve consisted of party food and watching our family favorite Christmas movie, Die Hard. Christmas morning had a similar schedule except my parents changed the wake up time, and the big gifts were hidden in random locations throughout the house. My drum set was hidden under a desk in the school room. Timothy’s computer was broken up into pieces and hidden across the house. Thomas took great joy in creating these insane puzzles that we had to solve to find the location of the gift he bought us that year.

I think grief has changed the holidays for me. Losing Thomas always leaves a certain sting or overhanging sadness during this time of year. I’ve been called the Grinch. Maybe lovingly or maybe not? I’m not really sure. Sometimes I even find myself acting like a combination of the Grinch and Ebeneezer Scrooge. If not physically acting like them, running scenarios in my head of “what if” situations.

I think… okay… I know, it is so easy for me to lose focus about the true meaning of this season. Not so much because of gifts and festivities, but because this season just brings a fresh wave of grief. I find myself grieving what was… grieving the fact Thomas is gone… grieving what I thought the holiday season would always look like and now it won’t. Things are just different now.

I am constantly having to remind myself the reason we celebrate Christmas. This time of year isn’t about the gifts. It isn’t about the parties. It’s not even about traditions with your family. It’s about Jesus Christ. It’s about how He was born in a manger. He grew up living a perfect life never sinning. He was tempted to sin, but never did. It’s about how He died on the cross for the sin of the world allowing those who confess with their mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in their heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, they can have a relationship with God. Their sins can be forgiven. This time of year is about the hope we have because of Jesus. It’s about the love- unconditional love, we are given by God the Father. It’s about the peace, those of us who have a relationship with God, can experience knowing who is in control and that regardless of what this life may bring, He’s coming back one day.

I created a playlist of songs that I’ve been listening to every time I start to feel the scrooge-ness creeping in. I use it to help me remember what Christmas is about. I use it to help me center my heart on Christ. Because Jesus came, one day tears will cease to exist and every tribe, tongue, and nation will be worshipping Him. Christmas is in one week. My prayer is for me, and all the others struggling this year, that the next week we wouldn’t be focused or get wrapped up in what culture and society says this time of the year looks like, but instead would be focused on Christ- who He is and what He has done.

Here’s a few songs from my playlist. Hopefully they’ll help your heart focus on our King. If what Buddy the Elf said is true, and the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear, what better way is there to do that than singing songs to our God. Merry Christmas.

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