Sometimes I wish I could be like Yogi the bear (or any animal that hibernates for that matter) and sleep through the cold months thus meaning I sleep through the holidays. Or I wish I could “fall off the grid”, get a new identity and just be someone besides me and live somewhere else besides here during these months. However, my therapist said falling off the grid isn’t an acceptable answer for anything, but I’ll admit the jury in my head is still out on that discussion. It’s not that I hate Christmas. I don’t hate Thanksgiving and New Years. Heck, I don’t even hate people (strongly dislike at times, but not hate) or being around family, but I hate this feeling of grief that tends to resurface during this time of year. Not even just resurface, but be… more intense maybe? While it would be nice if grief took the form of a linear function, y=mx+b, it unfortunately doesn’t. Even though I’ve done the grief work, there are still hard days and even hard seasons. I’m hopeful that at some point I’ll stop feeling guilty for the hard grief days and just let them be what they are. I’m hopeful that one day I’ll stop feeling guilty for being sad or griefy about my brother when others are going through so much worse right now or are walking through their first holiday season after the loss of their loved one.
I’ve been working on my plan for today and tomorrow the last few weeks. Having plans helps me deal with and prepare for the day at hand. It helps me get a handle on my anxiety or possible anxiety for the day. I can be flexible and give myself some freedom and grace to change said plans, but I’ve found plans always help around the holidays and special days. My plan involved wrapping gifts for tomorrow- deadlines are my friends and ensure things get done. Maybe watch a Christmas movie or two. I’d put together the gingerbread house I bought- it’s actually the Millennium Falcon this year. I’d probably watch a lecture or two if my Christian Theology class. I’d attend a Christmas Eve service, dinner with friends, and then calling it a night by watching Hans Grubler fall off of Nakatomi Tower.
I’m not sure why, but at some point last night my brain started to change the plan. It decided we needed to start today with a trip to the grave to put roses there for Christmas. I was so unprepared for this idea, I had to use an old 7brew cup in my car to put the roses in instead of the Star Wars cup I bought specially for his grave. Trips to the grave have gotten easier. There is always the sting of sadness, but still easier than this time 4 years ago. But today, it felt extra sad. I guess holidays will just do that for you.
It’s easy to lose focus and perspective about the Christmas season. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the haves or, in my case, have nots. It’s easy to let it become all about the lights and decorations and traditions. What’s happening vs what we thought and what we wanted to happen. I’ve been praying that I would not let those things become a distraction to me this season. I’ve been praying grief wouldn’t be a distraction… that I wouldn’t miss the point this year.
What’s the point you might ask? The point is Jesus. The point is when God made the world, everything was perfect. It was good. He made man. Adam and Eve. God gave them rules. They broke the rules. Sin entered the world. It was no longer perfect, but instead was a broken world. Sin is anything we think, say, or do that breaks God’s heart and His commands. Sin separates us from God. Romans 3:23 tells us all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Romans 6:23 tells us the price we should pay for our sins is death. But God didn’t leave us hanging to die for our sins. As prophesied throughout the Old Testament, He sent the ultimate sacrifice to pay for our sins. Jesus, God’s perfect son, came down from Heaven as a baby. Jesus lived a perfect life committing no sin. Jesus died on a cross, was buried in a tomb, and three days later God brought Him back to life. Romans 5:8 says that while we were still sinners, Christ (Jesus) still died for us. Salvation is found in Christ through his death and resurrection. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us that salvation is a free gift. It’s not something we, of our own merits and works, can do. Romans 10:9 says that if we confess Jesus as Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, you will be saved.
Our savior came. That’s why we celebrate. One day, Christ will return again. When this happens, there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, and no more death. Because Jesus came and is coming again, we have hope. Scripture tells us that those who profess faith in Jesus get to spend an eternity with God in heaven. So while my brother may not be here to celebrate the birth of our savior, he’s in Heaven residing with his maker. Those of us who are grieving or missing a loved one this season, I’m grateful that if they knew the Lord, we do not grieve like those without hope. Wherever you find yourself this season, remember, Jesus. Remember our hope. Remember why we are celebrating.
Merry Christmas.
Grief. Going. Healing. 
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