It’s currently 4:45 am. As I’m writing this, I am sitting on the floor of my room eating oatmeal and listening to some random worship playlist on Spotify. I’ve been wide awake since about 2:20. Sleep still alluded me around 4:25 so I gave up. I’m pretty sure my ability to function on such little sleep is actually my superpower. Sometimes my sleep is terrible because I have caffeine too late in the day and/or take my ADHD meds too late. Sometimes my sleep is terrible because I have too much going through my mind that I either a) haven’t been able to silence so I can sleep or b) haven’t truly processed those thoughts. I feel like tonight is a combination of caffeine/meds and unprocessed thoughts.
I know this will be a shocker to most of you, but I’ve been thinking about grief a lot lately. I write about grief more than I ever thought I would which is funny given it’s the first word in the name of this blog. I started writing on wordpress while I was living overseas. The common themes that I felt myself thinking about most at the time were grief, going, and healing. Grief because my brother unexpectedly died in 2021. Going because I was living overseas obeying the Great Commission telling people about Jesus. Healing because I had a lot of unprocessed things in my life that were deeply affecting me.
I assumed when I started writing that grief would really only be focused on around Thomas’ (my brother) birthday and the day he left this earth. I never would have guessed my writing about grief would expand to other things as I moved further along in my healing process. I did a word search of my posts for the word grief. Of the 51 posts I’ve made, 35 were flagged for the word grief. Some of these posts are OBVIOUSLY all about grief- it’s in the title. Some of the other posts I had to sit and think about, why did I write about grief in this one… based off the title, you’d think it would be some fun post.
Thomas’ birthday was 11 days ago. I assumed my current thoughts about grief would have ended then, but I was wrong. When we think about the word grief we often, okay I for the longest time, only associate it with death. Someone died. Now I’m grieving that they are gone. My dog died. So now I’m consumed by grief. I feel like those are pretty common things you hear when the word grief comes into conversation. As I’ve been on this journey of healing, I’ve come to realize grief is about so much more than just someone or some pet dying. Given a quick search of the Merriam Webster dictionary, the first two definitions for grief are as follows:
i) deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement
ii) a cause of such suffering
I had a conversation with my therapist several sessions ago about grief. I wish I remember the specific question I asked or statement I made regarding grief. Her response to me was something along the lines of grief is always present. The grief isn’t always all consuming, but we will constantly be grieving throughout this life. A friendship ends? Causes grief. A change in a relationship- maybe you aren’t as close to someone as your used to be and/or aren’t as close as you want to be- causes grief.
I’m not sure if I’m finally chemically balanced enough or if enough time has finally passed that I’m able to see all of the things I should have/need to grieve. Looking back over the last 5 years, there are so many changes/life events that I should have grieved, but I did the unhealthy thing and bottled up that grief. I feel like of all of the things the only things I’ve successfully grieved and grieved well, were the death of my brother and of my dog. Everything else? I said eh, not important right now, I’ll deal with it later. Well… it’s later.
In my last post, I mentioned Covid and this underlying fear I have that something similar is going to happen. I never took the time to process or grieve the impact Covid had in my life. Like many people, had Covid never happened, my life would have looked drastically different. I think about the months I lived in North Carolina teaching math to some crazy 8th graders. I made the move in October 2021, two months after my brother died. I made the move back home 4 months later. I never took the time to grieve those 4 months in North Carolina. They didn’t go like I thought- cause I didn’t plan not to finish out the school year. Those 4 months looked nothing similar to what I would have imagined. I haven’t taken the time to grieve the life I thought I would have at 31 as compared to where I am now. I haven’t grieved many relationships. There are a few of those relationships that when I look at other people’s lives, I realize just how much I should have grieved them. Relationships that aren’t what God intended for those relationships to be. But because we live in a fallen world, we have that brokeness.
As I’ve been thinking about the different things I need to grieve, the Lord has been so good to remind me of truth. Covid may have drastically changed my plans and my life may look nothing like I ever dreamed, BUT He is sovereign. He has ordained all things. My life looks exactly like He wants it to look like. His plans for me and my life are far greater and far better than anything I could have ever imagined…IE moving overseas to tell people about Jesus. Definitely never imagined that for my life. In terms of those relationships that aren’t like God intended, He has provided people to step in and fill that gap. Do I always realize in the moment that that’s what is happening? Absolutely not, but He always provides. He has placed a great church family in my life. He has given me some of the greatest friends I could have ever asked for. He gave me a therapist who puts up with my nonsense and lovingly calls me out on my crap when needed. Most recently, He’s given me a new family of like- minded people who have surrendered their lives to take the gospel to those who haven’t heard it.
If you are reading this and realize you too have a lot to grieve, today is a new day. Start making a list of things that you need to grieve and take them before the Lord. He cares deeply for you and for me. He wants us to come before Him with our hurts, frustrations, desires and needs. He is a loving Father who takes care of His children. I hope that as you begin to grieve, you, like me, will see all that God has given and supplied you with even with those loses. One day, every tear will be wiped away. Sin, death, and sorrow will be no more. What a day that will be.
Grief. Going. Healing. 
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