I’m going to date myself with this post, I’ve been on Facebook since 2008. Should I have had a Facebook then? Probably not. But nevertheless, I had one. If you are on the social media platform, you know it gives you a “memories” notification everyday. Some of these memories are 110% cringe worthy. Like what on earth was I thinking cringe worthy. Some of these memories are encouraging, I’m able to see just how far I’ve come and grown in life. Recently, Facebook has added a new element to the memories portion. The other day it gave me a picture from 10 years ago and it had a blank frame next to it with the words now written above it. Facebook wanted me to compare me from 10 years ago to current day me. The idea of then and now is what inspired this post.
10 years ago I was working as a camp counselor at a Christian summer camp. I grew up going to the camp and had worked the summer prior as a counselor. I knew camp was a place that you could clearly see God working and moving in people’s lives. Knowing this, I just didn’t expect it to be my life.
You see, 10 years ago, I was entering my senior year of college. I “knew” what I was going to do with my life. I had a plan. I was going to finish my bachelors degree in math. I was then going to go off and get a masters in math. Eventually, I was going to be one of those super awesome young math teachers at a state college or a university. And honestly at the point of time, going for a PhD was still on the table. My plan was solid. But God.
I’m not sure if it started during staff training or week 1 of summer camp, but the Lord started calling me to surrender. I remember being so confused by that. I knew I was saved…He was Lord of my life… what was He asking me to surrender? You know that solid plan I listed in the paragraph above? That’s what He was calling me to surrender.
The Lord started asking me questions through quiet time, devotions, missions time, and nightly chapel like “what if you surrender now?” or “what if I call you to go?”. By week 5 of the summer, I was confident, and not too happy, that the Lord’s plans for my life didn’t align with mine, but I wanted to be obedient.
In the chaos and confusion in my heart and head, I sat down at the camp piano and wrote this song. I was so torn, surrender and follow the Lord, or don’t surrender and follow my plan.
V1- When I don’t know what to say. When I don’t know what words to pray. Quiet my heart. Help me be still and hear You.
Chorus- My dreams are no longer mine. My plans are not divine, oh Lord. I give it all to follow you wherever you will lead me, God. I will follow You there.
V2- When I don’t know how to move. When I don’t have the answer I need. Quiet my heart. Help me be still and hear You.
Bridge- I surrender it all to You I give it all. I hold nothing back Here I am, Lord. No turning back. No turning back
July 26,2015
I said Lord, if you are saying surrender and stop planning without me, I’m going to look into different organizations to send me overseas, but I’m not going to look at a specific country. I knew if He was legitimately calling me to go, He would make it clear where He was calling me. Sure enough, He did just that. He put this little country in SE Asia on my heart, and 10 years later, it still is. The love I have for that place and the people there can only be something that comes from the Lord.
I began pursuing an opportunity to go overseas with an agency that sent English teachers to universities. I figured, it’s the best of both worlds. I’m doing what God said- going. I’m also getting to do what I want to do- teach at a university. I just wasn’t going to be teaching the subject I was currently studying. Some things happened, and that was no longer an opportunity. My prideful and cocky self took that as me being right all along. I tried to go overseas, and it didn’t work. So obviously that meant I wasn’t really called to go. The Lord being patient and kind continued to show me that while that initial effort to go didn’t work out, that didn’t mean His plans weren’t for me to go. It just simply meant that the time wasn’t now, or then, I should say.
The summer of 2017, the door finally opened for me to go overseas to the country the Lord had placed on my heart. Leading up to the trip, I began praying fervently about the trip and what it could mean for me. I prayed and asked the Lord that if He was calling me there for longer than a summer, that He would make it clear as soon as I got there. I know me. I knew if the confirmation came at any other part of the summer, when I got home and doubt began to sink in, I would pinpoint specific things and people as to why I was going back. The Lord once again being more gracious to me than I deserve answered that praying. Sitting in a bus riding from the capital city to the province I would be in for the summer, I felt a sense of lostness and hopelessness that I had never felt before. I saw idol after idol. Statue after Statue. In that moment, the Lord said you are coming back here. I’m not telling you when, where, or for how long, but this summer is the first step to where I’m calling you.
At the end of that summer, I surrendered it all to go. I made a commitment to pursue every option to serve the Lord cross-culturally until He made it clear I was to stay. 10 years from the time He began calling me and 8 years from the time I surrendered, and I am finally making the moves to live overseas for the long haul until the Lord says otherwise.
The time between the Then and Now has been a roller coaster. There’s been a lot of laughter. There’s been a lot of tears. More importantly though, time and time again I’ve seen the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord. What will the next 10 years bring? Not a clue, but I look forward to being able to look back over the ten year time frame and be able to see His continued faithfulness.
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace- Acts 20:24
Grief. Going. Healing. 
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