The past few days I’ve had the opportunity to hear story upon story upon story of things students saw God do this summer. I’ve heard incredible stories about gospel conversations that the only explanation is God. A constant theme you will hear in each story involves God’s faithfulness. Hearing all of these stories, and seeing students whole heartedly worshipping God has caused me to reflect on a season where I really struggled with the idea that God is faithful.
If you’ve followed along with my blog any, I talk about grief and the loss of my oldest brother semi regularly. Sometimes I write about grief and the process of it. Sometimes I write about my brother and different things that bring him to mind. Sometimes I write about lessons or things I’ve learned and am learning since my brother died. One of those things I really had to learn was about God being faithful.
I grew up in church. I was in Christian circles. 99.9% of my friends loved Jesus. I did all the things. Youth group. Summer camp. Mission Trips. I worked at summer camps. I talked about God being faithful and “knew” that He was faithful, but it wasn’t until after Thomas died that I really KNEW God to be faithful. There’s something about hard times and your walk with the Lord being strengthened exponentially.
The summer of 2022 is when I really, and I mean really, wrestled with the question “Is God really faithful?”. I’m not entirely sure how dealing with the loss of my brother led me to questioning the faithfulness of the Lord, but it did. I vividly remember being in the same exact location that I am now as I’m writing this. It was orientation. I was helping train and prepare students to spend the summer overseas. Hindsight, I’m not sure that I really had any business being here. I was in such a dark place mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. Depression and anxiety were huge parts of my everyday life. I couldn’t look back at the last 10 months since my brother passed and see good things. I couldn’t see the Lord at work… As hard as I tried, I couldn’t see where He had been and where He was being faithful.
Every night of orientation, we have a time of worship. We sing songs. Someone shares a testimony. Someone shares a brief message. I’m not sure which night it was, but early on in the week, we sang the song “Firm Foundations“. I had never heard it before. As I sat and listened and watched, I had to walk away from the worship service. If you don’t know the song, I’ve provided the lyrics below.
Christ is my firm foundation
The Rock on which I stand
When everything around me is shaken
I’ve never been more glad
That I put my faith in Jesus
‘Cause He’s never let me down
He’s faithful through generations
So why would He fail now?He won’t
He won’tI’ve still got joy in chaos
I’ve got peace that makes no sense
So I won’t be going under
I’m not held by my own strength
‘Cause I’ve built my life on Jesus
He’s never let me down
He’s faithful in every season
So why would He fail now?He won’t
He won’t
He won’t fail
He won’t fail
He won’t
No, no, no, no
He won’t
He won’t fail
He won’t failChrist is my firm foundation
The Rock on which I stand
When everything around me is shaken
I’ve never been more glad
That I put my faith in Jesus
‘Cause He’s never let me down
He’s faithful through generations
So why would He fail now?He won’t
He won’t
He won’t fail
He won’t fail, no, noRain came and wind blew
But my house was built on You
I’m safe with You
I’m gonna make it through
Rain came and wind blew
But my house was built on YouI’m safe with You
I’m gonna make it through
Oh, rain came and wind blew
But my house was built on You
And I’m safe with You
I’m gonna make it through
Yeah, I’m gonna make it through
‘Cause I’m standing strong on You
Yeah, I’m gonna make it through
‘Cause my house is built on You
Reading the lyrics you may be wondering what in them made me walk away from the service? What phrases, words, or sentences shook me to the point I couldn’t stand and worship with everyone else. What caused all of the anxiety and anger I was feeling. The chorus is what started the struggle, and the rest of the song and environment fueled the fire of the feelings.
Christ is my firm foundation
The Rock on which I stand
When everything around me is shaken
I’ve never been more glad
That I put my faith in Jesus
‘Cause He’s never let me down
He’s faithful through generations
So why would He fail now?
I was in just a rough place. But the lines that say ” When everything around me is shaking. I’ve never been more glad that I put my faith in Jesus. He’s never let me down. He’s faithful through generations so why would He fail now?” In my head, in the place I was in my processing and grief, the Lord HAD let me down. The Lord let me down by allowing my brother to die. By allowing my brother to die, He didn’t answer my prayer the way I wanted, and thus, God let me down. And because God had let me down, I couldn’t see how He was faithful. Warped logic, I know.
The second set of lyrics that caused me trouble was the bridge. “Rain came and wind blew, but my house was built on You. And I’m safe with You. I’m gonna make it through.” I don’t know that it was the lyrics themselves as much as it was watching the students loudly proclaim those lyrics and my mind wondering “how much rain has come and how hard has the wind blown in their life?”. If they had been through what I had been through, could/would they still be singing the song and the bridge as loudly as they were? A year prior, I would have been singing those lyrics. Life got really hard, and I lost my voice. I had more questions than I had answers. I had almost taken on a woe is me approach in life. “My life has been so hard and so unfair the last year. Nobody knows the trouble and heartache I know.” I became me centered.
Somewhere in my processing of the song lyrics and why I couldn’t sing them, the Lord began revealing to me the problem wasn’t Him, it was me. God cannot change. Who He is, is who He will always be. God has always been and will always be faithful. My faith had been shaken, but that didn’t change Him. He didn’t answer the prayer to heal my brother the way I wanted it to be done, so it caused all the doubts and questioning that I had to wrestle with for over a year. Some days, it is still hard to remember the Lord’s faithfulness. On those days, I have to remind myself just because I don’t see it in that instance or think that it is happening doesn’t me that He isn’t being faithful.
Last night, after a day of stories, two incredible testimonies from people who just left the field, we sang this song again. This time, I didn’t walk away. I didn’t have all of these strong feelings of anger and anxiety. There wasn’t the doubt and conflicting thoughts in my mind. Instead, there were tears. Tears as I was able to recount the goodness and faithfulness of God. God IS so faithful. It was so healing for me to be back in the place I was at 3 years ago unable to sing and this time being able to whole heartedly and without any doubt sing the lyrics. Even in that, I can see where He has been faithful.
Life will be hard. Hard and heavy things will happen, but nothing and no one can change anything about the Lord and who He is. I can look back over different increments of time and see His faithfulness. I can see it all throughout scripture. I can see where He has been faithful in my life. I can see where He has been faithful in my friends’ lives. I’m know there are still more hard seasons of life to come between now and when He calls me home, but just as I know there will be hard times, I also know He will still be faithful. 2021-2023? were some hard years. I think I cried many a tears those years and felt so many strong emotions that I don’t think I’ve ever felt. But I can look back and see how the Lord has faithfully used those years for for my good and His glory. It took a while, but I’m so grateful that I can now with full confidence sing the lyrics to the song “Firm Foundation”. Praise be to God for what He has done, is doing, and will do.
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