I was having a conversation with a friend last week. The conversation went something along the lines of me asking when and if I would stop hating birthdays and holidays. I’ve not always been a scrooge or grinch or whatever you want to call me. But something about my brother’s passing has turned me into a holiday and birthday hater. I’m sure my lack of confidence and self-worth also factors into the hate I feel, but the disdain and uncomfortable feeling I have about my birthday is real and it is strong. For some reason, the feelings leading up to my birthday this year have been more intense… It could be from the days I’ve missed medication the past month when I religiously take all medication. I was also convinced 3 weeks ago I was cured and no longer had depression, so that probably played into the lack of religiously taking the meds (Shout out to the internet for once again giving me a wrong diagnosis). It could be from lack of contentment. It could just be grief from all of the heavy things in the world right now, but I’m not really sure.
Since I started blogging in 2023, I have done some kind of post the week of my birthday. I’m a big fan of reflecting back on the past year and seeing what has changed and how I’ve hopefully grown and gotten healthier. The first year I wrote a list of things I wish I have known previously (Things my 20s Taught Me). Last year, I recapped what the age of 30 had brought me (Another Trip Around the Sun). As stated in the paragraph above, this year, I’m just in a… lack of a better word funk. I’ve cried 2-3 times since Sunday. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much in a week. So to continue my blogging trend, I’m here to make another post the week of my birthday. Maybe this post will be just what I need to get out of this funk.
I have a theory. It could be an absolutely terrible or stupid theory, but it’s a theory nonetheless. One thing I have to continually remind myself is that the best way (besides the meds, sunshine, water, daily exercise and all the other things my therapist tells me to do) to fight depression is with gratitude. When you are so busy focusing on the good, it’s hard to let your mind and emotions shift to the not so good. I’m going to try a similar approach with birthdays this year. Yes, things are never going to be the same as they were when my brother was here, but there has still be so many good things in my life while he was alive and since he passed. I turn 32 on 9/26. So I’m going to attempt to write a good thing from each year of my life. Good thing ranging from actual good things to things that kind of sucked, but the Lord used for my good and His glory. The things may or may not be in chronological order. I would lean towards the may not be option because it’s late and that’s just how my brain works. Obviously, my younger years are going to be hard to recall and memories will be scattered. I don’t remember every little detail, but I’m going to list 31 good things. My hope is that as I recall what is good… as I recall the past faithfulness of the Lord… my mind will shift from hating birthdays to eager anticipation to what the Lord will do in my life with the next year of life.
- I only spent 11 days in the NICU as a baby, and then was able to come home.
- I rode out my first hurricane- Hurricane Opal.
- I moved into my childhood home where all of my formative years would take place.
- I fell into the lake in the backyard, and after originally shoving my head further into the water, my brother pulled me out of the water. This is the same year my brothers built a raft and decided to use me as the test dummy to see if it would float.
- I discovered the glorious sport of baseball. It was my first season of tball. Little did anyone know then how important softball and baseball would become to me.
- I received my first set of doctor scrubs this year. I also got my first “medical kit”. I may or may not have been obsessed with the show ER. I ran around the house trying to operate on anything, anyone or any pet. I quickly learned that doctoring on TV is not accurate. Without proper training, people could do more harm than good when trying to help someone medically.
- If I have mathed right, I would have turned 7 in 2000. So I survived all of the craziness associated with the turn of the millennium. It was then that I was introduced to the crazy conspiracies we have running rampant in this world. I do love a good conspiracy theory though.
- I understood I was a sinner in need of a savior and confessed Jesus as Lord of my life. While I don’t know that there was any evidence of fruit in my life at that time, I was baptized in my home church to show the world who the Lord of my life was.
- I spent 18 days of the 4th grade in public school. I quickly learned that wasn’t the life for me, and that the world perceived people who were home schooled as socially awkward and, for lack of a better word, dumb. Joke was on that school though, I aced all of the assessments they gave me during those 18 days. I never returned to public school.
- I attended my first group guitar lesson. While I wasn’t initially sold that it was the instrument for me, playing the guitar became an important thing for me in high school. Writing songs and then playing them on my guitar grew me faith and love for God so much.
- While not necessarily a good thing, I learned from first hand experience what death and grief looked like. I understood what it meant in scripture when it says we aren’t promised another day.
- When I was 12, I began to see and appreciate how having two big brothers and one of them being overly protective was in fact a good thing. I knew when push came to shove, one of my brothers had my back.
- I played travel softball and messed up my right shoulder. I had to do physical therapy to attempt to rehab it so I could continue playing the sport I loved. This was the first time I realized that maybe I wouldn’t be playing softball forever.
- I started playing acoustic on the youth worship team at my church. Who knew how the Lord would use music and worship leading in my life. I certainly had no idea what all He would do.
- I started my first round of college classes as a dual enrolled student. Your girl struggled, but the education and experiences I received by taking college classes in high school were so important in my future educational endeavors.
- I had my favorite math teacher for the first time. This is when I saw the beauty of mathematics and decided to major in it.
- I had my first legit job and was able to tutor someone in pre-algebra. I learned through tutoring that maybe one day I’d be an okay teacher.
- High School graduation. I did the dang thing.
- I learned to change my oil. I also learned what to do should I ever be thrown into the trunk of my car when someone is trying to kidnap me. Everyone learns the last thing, right?
- I started at the university that I would eventually get two degrees from. I don’t have the time or space to list all of the things God used for my good and His glory while I was there.
- The Lord called me to go. I was terrified and had no idea what that meant for my life.
- I graduated with my Bachelors of Science in Mathematics and began my Master’s program. I’m pretty sure grad school gave me gray hair and is where I developed anxiety.
- I went overseas for the first time. My life was forever changed. I also got lice for the first time. I was chased by a monkey. I had to run for my life when a 12 year old boy used a rock and slingshot to shoot down a beehive.
- I saw firsthand how the Lord could take what I deemed as a bad thing and use it for good.
- I finished my Master’s and had my first teaching job. It was the hardest semester, but I loved every minute of it.
- I went back overseas for the second time, and the Lord just continued to confirm that’s where He was leading me. I also had a 3 day stint in a local hospital with dengue fever. Let me tell you, ain’t no fever like dengue fever.
- Covid hit and wrecked my plans, but I learned so much about His timing in this season. I learned what it meant for the Lord to be my comforter.
- I started therapy. While I may walk out appointments saying how much a hate it or how annoyed/angry I am at my therapist on any certain day, therapy has truly been one of the best things in my life. I’m not always happy when I have an appointment nor am I always happy after I leave, but I am always happy that I have therapy and the necessary resources for it.
- I FINALLY moved to Cambodia. I didn’t love every minute of it, but I loved knowing I was where the Lord had called me.
- I joined a new church family that has done nothing but encourage me, point me to Christ, and help hone in on the gifts the Lord has given me.
- I was appointed a cross-cultural worker. I found an organization to work with that feels more like family than anything else.
What does 32 bring? Heck if I know. I’ve honestly just about given up on trying to figure out what the next year of life will bring. I have lots of hopes as to what I hope will happen, but ultimately, whatever the Lord ordains to happen will happen. Whatever the Lord ordains is right. I’m grateful that with each birthday and thus each year of life, the Lord continues to mold me into His likeness. Each year, it becomes a little more of Jesus and less of me. Each new year means the Lord isn’t done with me yet, and I still have a race to run. Here’s to 32. Lord, let Your will be done. This time next year, let it be said that I am more like You than before.
Grief. Going. Healing. 
Leave a comment