Grief. Going. Healing.

It’s that time of the year again. I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. Newsfeeds of social media are filled with daily gratitude posts. Every year leading up to thanksgiving, we see the same thing. There’s nothing wrong with it, but why do we seem to focus on gratitude so much during the month of November when there are 11 other months, we also have so much to be grateful for.

I’ve attempted the whole daily gratitude post in November thing before. I usually go strong for about two weeks and then it dwindles down and I’m left playing catch up. Personally, gratitude is something I’ve struggled with the last two years. Maybe even for longer and it’s only been apparent the last two years. In March of 2022, I was encouraged to start a daily gratitude journal to help fight the overwhelming depression associated with my grief. I bought the journal and began my daily attempts at gratitude and similarly to my Facebook posts, I started off strong and it eventually dwindled down to not being used often.  It’s been almost two years since I started the journal, and I haven’t even hit the halfway point.

I’ve been encouraged during the heavier times of depression to make sure I am being intentional in writing in my journal. With the last wave of depression, I made myself write one thing that I was grateful for for everyday from the last time I wrote in my journal until that specific day. I had to write over 30 days’ worth of things I was grateful for. I swore to myself that I would never let myself go that long without writing again. As I type this, it’s been two weeks since my last entry of gratitude.

All the above was written November 19^th. My intent was to do the “grateful person” blog post before Thanksgiving, but time got away from me. And if I’m being honest, I wasn’t in a place of gratitude when I started this post. It was a post of obligation to myself and what I thought I should be doing. If you want to be taken seriously as a blogger, you blog often, right? I think those were my motives for starting this post. So now almost a month later, I remembered this half- written post sitting in the files on my computer.

A month ago, I moved out and got my own place. I’ve been learning how to live on my own in a foreign country. In the last month, I’ve seen the Lord do and provide so many things that have been constantly reminding me that even if something grand isn’t happening, I still have much to be grateful for.

The little room I live in, is less than a 5-minute walk to the school. I can still be at the school as often as I want outside of work, but I also am able to retreat and have space as I find myself being peopled out for the day. My home is next door to a little store that I have frequently visited since moving overseas. Let me tell you, their iced Ovaltine slaps. Sometimes one a day isn’t enough. The owners of the store have children who attend the school I work at. When the wife, whom I will call Bong, heard I was moving in, she was very excited. She told my friend that was helping me move that I should come to their shop and buy my lunch or dinner or whatever every day. She would make sure they had some basic food for sale as well as some Khmer dishes to give me the full experience.

While trying to navigate where things were without being fluent in the language, Bong found out I was looking for a laundry mat of sorts. While I can hand wash my clothes, with my work schedule, I would have to leave my clothes outside drying while I’m gone for the day. Bong cut me a deal, and now when her mother does their laundry, if I bring a bag of at least 5 kilos of clothing, mom will also wash my clothes. I can go back the next day and pick them up. If I’m off schedule or don’t show up at the shop for a day, I always get one of those “mom looks” from Bong the next time I’m there. Bong quickly figured out I spend most of my free time outside of work either hanging out with students or alone in my room. She told me to come spend time in the café part of their store and play wifi. I moved and the Lord provided a friend of sorts that I didn’t realize I needed.

Today, I took some of the students who live in the dorms on the school campus to the shop to buy them some drinks. We looked like a gang walking up to the counter to get the drinks. I’m not sure what was said, because my Khmer language skills are WEAK, but one of the kids told Bong I would be buying all their drinks. Bong quickly looked at me and asked for confirmation that I was in fact doing that. She looked shocked. I said they are my students. She said all? I said all, she laughed and went about making their drinks. After the kids ordered and received their strange energy drinks mixed with sweet, condensed milk, Bong asked me what I wanted.  I shook my head saying I wasn’t going to get anything. Bong spoke in Khmer to one of the students and then said teacher in English. Bong then told me she wanted me to have a coca for free because of what I had done. I walked away both grateful and in disbelief of Bong’s constant generosity towards me.

As I began the short walk back to the school, my mind started to flood with all the things I have to be grateful. I realized that this past month the Lord has really been trying to help me understand the word grateful and having a heart of gratitude. So here are a few of the things I’m incredibly grateful for.

1. The little neighbor girls who yell “French” at me just about every time I walk by. Hello French. Goodbye French. I’m grateful that if my window is open while I’m working, they will be poking their little heads through it to continue yelling hello at me.
2. I’m grateful for Bong and her family. What a true blessing they have been to me.
3. I’m grateful for days spent hanging out with students.
4. I’m grateful for all the new opportunities I have to explore this beautiful country.
5. I’m grateful for the time the goose chased me last week. It’s just another one of those weird stories I can tell people about when I get home.
6. I’m grateful for the pharmacy right up the road that speaks English. If it looks like somethings about to get infected, I go, and they give me the best medication to fight whatever issue it is that I have going on.
7. I’m grateful for my class of 20 students I get to teach every night. I’ve only had them a short time, but I can already see so much growth. I’m confident that one day I’ll be able to say I’m grateful that they no longer cuss and shoot the bird in class, but that’s still a work in progress.
8. I’m grateful that my old group of students still find their way into my classroom every night. I’m not sure if it’s to see me, their friends, or beg me for candy and stickers, but I’m grateful I still get to see them.
9. I’m grateful for the great friends the Lord has blessed me with. They put up with my dumb jokes, insane ideas, and daily sarcasm.

Just to name a few.

I began this post in November with a different ending in mind, but I think this is a better ending. As I walked back to my house tonight, ate my dinner, and listened to Christmas music, it was incredibly easy to slip back into my old grinchy, I don’t like holidays- what’s there to be grateful for mindset. When you’ve lost someone, holidays are hard. As I continued with my nightly routine, the Lord continued to soften my heart about more things to be grateful for instead of feeling all grinchy. The holiday we celebrate in a few short weeks, quite literally changed everything. Jesus’ birth fulfilled prophecies of old. Jesus’ life continued the fulfillment of those prophecies. His life, and what the Father sent Him to do, led Him to a cross where the weight of all the sin of the world was thrust upon Him. He died the death I deserved so that one day I could be reconciled to the Father. I’m grateful for Mary and Joseph’s faithfulness to follow what the Lord commanded them to do when it was scary and didn’t make sense. I’m grateful that Jesus, being both fully man and fully God, willingly went to the cross and died for my sin. I’m grateful He didn’t stay dead. I’m grateful that anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. I’m grateful that there is only one name, under Heaven, given to men by which we can be saved, and that name is Jesus. I’m grateful for the people who faithfully shared the gospel with me until the Spirit convicted me of my sin and my need for a savior. I’m grateful for the people who now faithfully point me to Christ. I’m grateful that I get to be one of those who goes and tells those who don’t know.

I’m sure gratitude and being grateful for all things, is something I’m going to have to continue working on, but praise be to God for the work He’s done in my life and for using the last month to help me regain perspective on all the things. He is good. He is faithful. He is always working, always moving, always doing something. Because God is who He says He is, I will always have so much to be grateful for.