Grief. Going. Healing.

The words “in memory of” get me every time. This Christmas will mark the third one without my brother alive to celebrate it with.

Thomas LOVED Christmas. Think of one of those ridiculous characters from a Christmas movie who went all out for everything, and that was Thomas. Growing up, we had rules in place about how early we could get Christmas lights out of the attic and placed on the house and in the yard. We also had rules for how early we could turn the lights on. We were allowed quick checks to make sure everything looked good, but the lights couldn’t stay on until Thanksgiving night. For a few years, we had so many lights plugged in that if you plugged something unaccounted for in inside of the house, the circuit breaker would flip and cause all sorts of things to go off in the house. I could write for days on the craziness that always ensued when it was time to put up Christmas lights.

Thomas was a collector of all things Hallmark ornaments. His collection had gotten so big that he would put two trees up and would still not be able to use all his ornaments. I remember many Black Fridays and days after Christmas where Thomas would rush to the closest Hallmark store in an attempt to get any and all ornaments that would fit into his various collections. It’s safe to say his largest collection was by far his Star Wars ornaments. The years leading up to his death, Hallmark put out a new collection of talking ornaments, a tree skirt, and a tree topper, all Star Wars, that when plugged in would all communicate together. Thomas naturally had all of them. The tree topper, when activated, will switch between the main theme of Star Wars and the Imperial March. My family still puts up his Star Wars tree. It’s my favorite and hardest thing to see during the holiday season.

I think Thomas’ love language was gift giving. He loved to give the most expensive and thoughtful gifts. Also, some of the most random gifts. He went through a stage where he couldn’t just place the gifts under the tree. He would instead place some kind of puzzle for you to do under the tree. Once you solved the puzzle, you would find the location of your gift. One year, I had to do 26+ math problems to find out he had taped my present to the top of the inside of my dog’s crate. The last Christmas we celebrated together, was one of the coldest I remember in Florida history. He got me a practice basket for disc golf. After lunch, he went outside in the freezing cold weather to watch me fling discs all across the backyard as I practiced trying to get my discs in the basket.

Each year since Thomas passed, I have sent money to the camp we grew up going to in memory of him. Camp Victory is the place he realized God was leading him into a career field to fight and stand up for vulnerable children. Thomas left a legacy there through many things. His devotion to his campers. His intensity in all the games. His loyalty to his friends he gained because of his time there.

The first year I sent the money, I was overwhelmed with the loss of my brother. Seeing the words “In memory of Thomas” knocked the breath out of my lungs and brought a flood of tears to my eyes. I remember my whole body shaking as I wrote the check to mail to the camp. While he had been gone for almost 4 months at the time, my heart and mind were still at odds to as if he were really gone or not. It seemed unfair. I should be spending some ridiculous amount of money on some crazy gift he would love, but instead, I was putting a check in the mail, and donating money in his memory. Each year, it has gotten a little easier. The holidays are still hard. Sending money in his name is still hard, but every mention of his name and mention of his favorite things no longer brings me to tears. There are days when sadness and grief hit and leave me in bed, but there are also days when they hit and I’m able to smile about all the time I had with Thomas- he was one of a kind.

I’m sure being overseas this Christmas will bring a different element of hardness to celebrating holidays without Thomas, but I’m grateful for the growth I’ve had in my grief process. I’ll always miss him, and I’ll always have days that are harder than others, but I’m thankful I’m finally able to see how life can go on without my big brother here. It’ll never be the same, but it must continue. He may have been called to his eternal home, but I’m still here, and my life must continue until I’m also called home to heaven. Thomas finished his race, and I must press on and keep running mine.

If you are reading this and find yourself in a season of grief, keep pressing on. The only way to get through grief is to face it head on. For me, my faith in God is what kept me going. I clung as tightly as I could to the Lord and scripture. Even on the days where I doubted the goodness, faithfulness, and kindness of the Lord, I fought to draw close to Him. Scripture is full of promises that He keeps. He draws close to the broken hearted. Not for a second, are you unseen or unheard by God. He is faithfully walking with you through this. I’m thankful that on my darkest days, and there were a lot, He never left my side. Praise God that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and that He will NEVER leave nor forsake His children. Christmas is special because we get to stop and celebrate the birth of our savior. Because of our savior’s life, death, and resurrection, we have hope. One day Christ will return. There will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more death. I am looking forward to that day.

Some songs that play often in the background of my life right now are linked below.  I hope that if anyone else is going through a season of grief or a holiday season missing a loved one, that these songs also help and bless you.

Christmas Hits Different– TobyMac

Different Kind of Christmas– Mark Schultz

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus– Meredith Andrews

Joy to the World/Joy of the Lord– Maverick City Music

Manger Throne – Phil Wickham

O Come, All You Unfaithful– Sovereign Grace Music