Grief. Going. Healing.

I hope that after you read the title, your brain immediately went “Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice. Santa Clause is coming to town.” And if not, that’s okay. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made by God thus meaning all of our brains think and process things differently.  I’m sure many of you who read the title and then were brave enough to click to read this post are expecting something Christmas related, right? I’ve used a line from a popular Christmas song to name this post, it only makes sense it’d be about Christmas. As fun as it would be to be writing about Christmas in February, that’s not the case here.

My time overseas is quickly ending. To clarify what I mean by this, on this date next month, I’ll be back in America. I’ll no longer be in the Kingdom of Wonder. I’ll no longer be living in this beautiful country and teaching the most precious children in the world. I won’t be walking down the street and have people call out to me as being French and asking what my name is and where I’m going. It’s a weird thing to think about and adjust to.

As most people do when they’ve been gone for a long time or have gone and lived in some different location, you bring home gifts for family and friends. I’ve had my list of things to buy for some time now and have slowly been making my way through it and making sure I have something for all of the people. (Are you catching the reason for making a list and checking it twice now?) I was scrolling through Facebook the other day looking for something, and I stumbled across a picture of me and Thomas from the weekend after I returned home from my first summer overseas. It made me realize that I don’t get to bring a gift home for my oldest brother anymore.

While I’ve experienced the first round of grief associated with Christmas, birthdays, and holidays, this is a new type of grief I’m experiencing. Thomas was probably my biggest cheerleader and greatest headache in life. Every time I went away whether it be for a summer, a week, a quick trip, Thomas would plan to come home the weekend after I made it back. For example, after returning home from my first summer overseas, he BANGED on my door at some obnoxious hour, BARGED into my room, told me to get up, and then proceeded to summon all the dogs to jump on me. He said our time time together that weekend was short and I couldn’t spend all of it asleep. While it probably wasn’t some obnoxious hour, I was just extremely jet lagged and wanted to sleep, but there he was giving me a headache.

That same summer, I asked my family what they wanted me to bring them for a gift. Everyone but Thomas gave a simple answer of whatever you want to bring us. We don’t care, but NOT THOMAS. His request was I bring him something made in China. I’m sure in his mind he thought he was being clever. I would spend my whole summer searching, and I wouldn’t find anything. Joke’s on him. Walking through the market my last week here that summer, I saw a President Obama and American flag themed flashlight that was made in China. Thomas LOVED politics. All things politics. Books. Movies. Debates. I’m not even sure the number of political rallies we went to because of his desire to go. He was also a firm believer of not crossing party lines. Whatever party you were a registered member of is the party you voted for or so help you God. I spent $1 on that goofy looking flashlight to take home to him. His laugh and head shake at what I had done is something I’ll never forget. After he died, I found the flashlight with the rest of his belongings at his house. He never opened it, probably because it had President Obama on it, but he kept my $1 souvenir bought in Cambodia that was made in China.

Grief has gotten easier over time since Thomas passed, but there are still new things and “first” things that make the grief fresh again. This is the first time I’ll return home without something for Thomas, and I’m sure it won’t be the last, but it’s still something to process on this grief journey. Maybe I’ll find something made in China with President Obama’s face on it and leave it by his tombstone. There’s still lots to learn on the journey of grief, going, and healing. One things for sure though, I wish buying Thomas a gift from wherever I go and seeing his reaction was still an option.