Grief. Going. Healing.

It’s 1 am in the morning and here I am wide awake.

Is it the caffeine I had too late in the day? Maybe.

Is it the anxiety coursing through my body as I think about the big life changes that are coming? Also possible.

Is it the fact that today is the day I say goodbye to some of the most precious children in the world, and I have no idea how I’m going to
do it? Highly likely.

I’ve never really liked goodbyes. Especially the kind that involve people moving off or leaving a place and not knowing when I’ll see them again. If it were up to me, and I know this will sound terrible, I would just leave without goodbye because that’s how much I don’t like them.

I have always known that life is fleeting right. We are never promised another day, but I don’t know that I understood what that meant until Thomas died. He got sick so quickly and before I was truly able to process what was happening, my big brother was gone. The goodbye I gave him was “You’re going to be okay. The doctors will take care of you. Mom and dad are on
their way.” That was the last conversation I had with him. I think this memory plagues every future goodbye for me.

I’m an overthinker. I know this. My friends know this. My therapist, God bless her, definitely knows this. If you know me, you know I
will overthink any and all things. If overthinking was an Olympic sport, I’d bring home gold for the US every 4 years. My mind has already jumped to several conclusions about what will happen or to a bunch of what if situations.

What if I never make it back to this part of the world? What if I die? What if they die? What if we experience another World War or
something so much worse? How do I say goodbye to these kids who live on the
literal opposite of the world from where I’ve been born and raised and up until the last few months the place I would probably die? How do I tell these kids that I love them and want nothing but the best for them, but I might not ever see them face to face again?

A little over a year ago, I said goodbye to my family and friends and boarded a plane to make this move and start the adventure I’ve been
living. Were those goodbyes hard? Absolutely, but there was a certain level of peace because I know they know the Lord. I know they have heard the gospel and believed, and should anything happen to any of us, we would be reunited together in Heaven one day.

It’s different saying goodbye now. I’m in a predominately Buddhist country. A majority of the kids and wonderful people I am going to have to say goodbye to don’t know the Lord. So the peace or comfort I felt saying goodbye
to my folks back home doesn’t exist for my new group of friends and family here.

So again I ask, how in the world do I say goodbye? How do I do all of my special handshakes tomorrow with the kids knowing it could very well be the last time I see them? How do I say goodbye? I don’t know that there
is a right or perfect answer, but the more I’ve thought about it as I’ve sat here typing, I have an idea as to what I want to say. I have an idea of how I’ll say goodbye.

This goodbye could be forever. I might not make it back here. I want you to know that I love you. I love you all so much. I am a
better person because of my year here. I came here to teach you all about English and hopefully about God, but I think I may have been the one doing all of the learning from you all. If this is the last time I get to see you face to
face, this is the most important thing I can leave you with.

God made you. God made me. He made everything we can see. Everything
that He made is good. So good. Then sin entered the world.

Sin is anything we think say or do that breaks God’s heart and His rules. Everyone sins. The price of our sins is death. But the story doesn’t
end there.

God LOVES us. He sent His perfect son, Jesus, to die for our sins. If we say that Jesus is Lord, and believe that God raised Him from the dead,
you will be forgiven of your sins and have a relationship with God.

You guys know I love you, but God loves you so much more. Just as we have formed a relationship this year, my hope and prayer is that you will learn more about God and have a relationship with Him.

In approximately 14 hours, I will begin saying my goodbyes. I’m sure there will be tears- probably all mine. While I don’t know that I want to
leave, and I certainly don’t want to say goodbye, I am going to rest in the fact that the Lord is sovereign. He allows all things to happen and knows what will happen and when it will happen. He created these precious people and loves them far more than I do. His word doesn’t return void. Seeds have been planted in the last year, and one day, some will be harvested. Hopefully this won’t be a goodbye forever but merely a goodbye for now. Regardless of what type of goodbye it becomes, it’s safe to say these people and this place will always have a special place in my heart.