Grief. Going. Healing.

I’ve been back in the states for a little over two weeks. I left the capital of the country I was living in around midnight on the 10th. I arrived home around 3:30 pm that same day. Goodbyes were said some tears were shed. And now I’m back in the US asking myself “now what?”.

When I made the move overseas, I never in a million years thought I would come back to the states without a definite plan to return. I’m talking plane ticket already purchased, all of the big details worked out, and just waiting for a few minor things to be figured out, but here I am. I also never imagined the intensity of the conflicting emotions and thoughts that I’m experiencing. How can you be both happy and sad? How can you be both excited and discouraged? How do you successfully transition from life overseas to life in the states WITH the intent of returning back overseas as soon as you can? I’m in this weird transition phase where I’ve changed. Everyone here has changed. How does the person I become exist and flourish here like I did overseas? Can I be the person I was overseas back here? Can that person exist in America? Does anyone actually know the answer to this question? Because I sure as heck don’t.

I know I miss the mornings of pork and rice for breakfast. I miss the lemon tea and iced Ovaltine drinks that were a part of my daily liquid consumption. I miss the random kids yelling questions at me as I walked down the street. I just miss it. The big things. The small things. I miss it all. Well… maybe not the parasites and staph infections, but you know what I mean. Since returning home… life feels… meaningless… purposeless… a waste… like nothing matters. Definitely far less exciting.

So what now? What do I do? The more I ask myself this question the more frustrated and overwhelmed I feel.

So in the “what now” season I find myself in… I’m going to take comfort in the fact that the One who made me, made me with a purpose. I’m going to take comfort in the fact that He is using all things for my good and His glory. I’m going to take comfort in the fact that He is always at work in and through all things. This season of waiting or transition that I find myself in yet again, is going to be used to prepare me for what’s next. While I don’t necessarily like it, I’m going to take comfort that He is in control and I am not. His plans are higher and greater than my own. And I’m going to be grateful for internet and all the technology I can use to keep in touch with my family and friends on the other side of the world.

Going was hard. Leaving was hard. I have a feeling that this waiting will also be hard. But I’m grateful that I went, and that He will let me go again.