Grief. Going. Healing.

Thomas, my oldest brother, LOVED Star Wars. I’m pretty sure if it were up to him, May 4th would be a national holiday. I’ve mentioned it in past blogs, but he even had a Christmas tree dedicated to predominately Star Wars ornaments. You name some random Star Wars book, I’m sure he either had it in his massive collection (see the picture below) or had at some point read it. You name some random story off of the main plot, and he knew it. Star Wars game? He played ALL of them. I took great pride when I was younger in trying to hit random keys on his computer when he was playing to see if I could derail whatever it was he was doing in his game. When Nintendo 64 game out, Thomas got the Star Wars special edition that came with a pod racer game. Despite my best efforts, I was never able to outrace him in the galaxy far far away.

When it came to the movies, Thomas was a firm believer that nothing would ever compare or come close to being as good as episodes 4-6. Episodes 1 and 2 were tolerable. Episodes 3, 7-9, trash. Complete and utter trash. Thomas really wouldn’t even consider episodes 7-9 as being worthy to be included in the Star Wars franchise. He thoroughly enjoyed Rogue One, and was highly amused to my reaction in the theater when I realized this movie was the lead up to Episode 4. He loved the Mandalorian series, and I hate that he won’t be able to finish it.

I remember right before Thomas died people would tell me that no matter what would happen, I HAD to be STRONG for my parents. While I was losing a brother, my parents were losing a son. No matter how hard it was for me, my grief really didn’t matter- he was only my brother. After he died, people had the same kind of attitude. Be strong. Don’t bother people with your grief. As time progressed and I began to venture back into the world, people would see me, and only care to ask about my parents and how they were doing. Never mind the fact that me and my other brother had also just lost someone. I remember the anger and confusion I often felt. I wanted to yell at more than one occasion ” WHAT ABOUT ME?! I LOST THOMAS TOO!!!”. The outlash of anger would have done no good, but I felt unseen in my grief by so many in the world. The outlash would have at least let me feel seen, right?

I eventually began looking into books to help me process my grief. I found all sorts of resources for mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children, but siblings? I couldn’t find hardly anything. I saw a lot of places and groups saying that grieving siblings are often referred to as the forgotten griever. Parents lost a child. Husbands/wives lost their spouse. Children lost a parent. But what about us siblings? We just lost a brother/sister, and for whatever reason we get lost in translation- so to speak.

A little over a month ago, almost 3 years since my brother passed, I stumbled upon a book specifically for siblings, Grieving the Write Way for Siblings by Gary Roe. I go back and forth from loving the book to hating it. It’s hard. Grief work is messy. You know the reel that makes it’s way around social media that goes, “You can’t go over it. You can’t go under it. Oh no! You have to go through it.”? I feel like that reel should be attached to every copy of this book. That’s exactly what the book is making you do, go through your grief. Everyday has a short reading about anything from anger to anxiety tooooo I’m sure of the other things- I’m only 30% finished with the book. At the end of the reading, there are short writing prompts and or other writing exercises. I’m supposed to do one day from the book each day or something similar to that. I haven’t touched the book since Monday. (Those of you holding me accountable, don’t come at me. I promise to catch up on my missed days.) Some of the prompts are easy to write about. Others? The tears start flowing from my eyes after the first sentence. For maybe one of the first times in my grief journey though, I feel seen and understood as someone who has lost a sibling.

I still have lots to work through, but I feel like I’m making so much headway in the journey of the grief and sadness related to my brother. I’m grateful that Thomas was a follower of Christ. Thomas is in Heaven with his maker and Heavenly Father. One day, we will be in the same place again. To celebrate my brother’s favorite non-holiday, holiday, I’m going to get a meal from Whataburger with a Dr. Pepper to drink, no ice- that’s what Thomas would do, and watch some Star Wars movies in remembrance of him.

If you are reading this and have lost your sibling, know you are NOT alone. You are NOT unseen. Your loss and your grief DOES matter. If you need community or someone to walk through your grief with, contact me. It’s not an easy road. I am far from an expert on grief, but I would be honored to help you navigate the loss of your sibling.