Grief. Going. Healing.

June 10^th will mark 3 months since I returned to the states from my year in Southeast Asia. It also marks the day I’ll be getting on another international flight to head back to the same part of the world I just left. If I’m honest, I haven’t been overly excited about this trip. When people ask why, all of my reasons are bogus. I just got home. If I stayed in the states, I would save money and make so much money. I still haven’t adjusted to American culture much less the food and now I’m going to have to start over. The list goes on. As I’m sitting here in team leader training preparing to go, the Lord just keeps meeting me and revealing some areas for me to grow in. He’s revealed to me some of the real reasons I’ve been so hesitant to be excited to go and pack my suitcase again.

Monday night we studied Joshua 1. We were learning how to do a participatory Bible study. We read Joshua 1:1-9 three separate times. Each person would read a verse. The last time, one person would read the whole passage and everyone else would just listen. After reading, there were some key questions we answered. Some being:

Who are the characters?

What did God command?

What promises were made?

What does the story teach you about God’s character?

The isn’t my first rodeo. This isn’t my first leader training. I’ve been through this passage of scripture before 7 times just counting other times in different training scenarios. But this passage of scripture and the last two questions I listed really hit home for me this time in relation to this season of life and getting ready to embark on another short trip around the globe. You see, I think one of the reasons I’ve been so unexcited? Not enthusiastic? Is fear. Fear of the new. Fear of change. Every time I’ve gone overseas, I’ve always gone to the same exact country. I’ve always dealt with the same foreign currency. Same different language. Same different culture. You get the picture. It’s almost become like my second home so to say. It’s all familiar. Now, I’m going to a new country. A new people group. New currency. New culture. It’s fear of change… Anxiety of the unknown… that’s part of what’s been causing my lack of enthusiasm.

In Joshua 1, Moses has just died. The Lord is telling Joshua what’s about to go down. He is telling Joshua what He needs for him to do. Throughout the first 9 verses, The Lord says some variation of do not be discouraged, do not be afraid for I am with you three times. I feel like Joshua 1:9 is a verse every kid who has grown up going to church has memorized at one point or another in their life. Naturally, whenever I think of Joshua 1, that’s where my mind goes. It is an application. A command from the Lord. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be discouraged. A reminder that where we go, He’s with us. I’ve always thought of it as the “big” verse of the section.  But the more I study Joshua 1, the more I see that there’s not one “big” verse per say in this section of scripture. They all flow together. They all proclaim truth and promises from God. The Lord knew Joshua was probably anxious or even afraid or discouraged, but The Lord keeps reminding him it’s going to be okay. Not once. Not twice, but three dang times. These nine verses remind me of God’s faithfulness. Just as He was with Moses, He will be with Joshua. Just as He was with Joshua, He will also be with me in whatever He has called me to do. The same God who was with me in my second home, will be with me in this new country. While my geographical location is going to be different, God’s not going to be different. He’s not going to change. He’s going to be with me. He’s going to be sustaining and leading me. And assuming how training is currently going, He’s also going to be using this trip to continue to form me in His likeness.

Because the Lord is good and kind, He has also been revealing to me another reason I’m struggling with having excitement for this trip. It’s not where I want to go… Before even getting back to the US, I knew I would be leaving in June to go back across the world for two weeks. At the time, I’d say I was at least looking forward to the trip. The longer I’ve been back and have begun missing my second home, the more the thought of that’s the only place I want to go sinks in to my mind. I want to go back “home”. I want to hear people speaking Khmer. I want to go back to the place I love. At the end of the summer of 2017, I surrendered my life to go. Go wherever. However. For as long as He said to go and be there. In 2019, I realized that as much as I love my second home, I love the Lord more. I want to be obedient to His command to go EVEN IF it’s to a completely different place than I’ve imagined. The Lord reminded me of this. I love Him more than my second home and desire to follow Him. I guess you could say I’ve been selfish in my heart. I only want to go where I want to go. So I haven’t been overly excited. I’m thankful the Lord has been gracious with my selfishness and has graciously reminded me that I submit to His lordship in my life. The place He is calling me to go is somewhere new and different, and that’s totally okay even if I don’t like change and don’t like new things. If He has called me, which I believe He has, He is going to sustain me during this trip in whatever way that may look like.

So… Sunday, I will pack my duffle bag to take on the trip. I will make sure I have my passport and all of the documents I’ll need. I’ll ensure I have card games to play with the 16 teenagers going on the trip with me. And I’ll go knowing that despite my fears and anxieties, God’s going to be with me. He has called me to go. He has called me to surrender to Himself and not surrender to going to one specific country. At the end of it all, I just want to be found faithful and obedient to Him. So. I’m packing my bag and going again.