Grief. Going. Healing.

As I was scrolling through Facebook this evening, I saw a post that stated something like one in five Americans suffer from mental illness and something like one in twenty Americans suffer with it so severely that it affects their daily life. Did I fact check this? Nope. Should I have for the sake of this post? Probably. But given the people I know who struggle with some sort of mental illness, I feel like the statement is probably somewhat accurate.

If you type in “mental illness” into your search engine of choice, somewhere on your screen, a loose definition of what mental illness is should appear. If you take it a step further and search “mental illness list”, you will see a broad list of disorders. Click on any of the sites that appear, and you can go down the rabbit hole of what are considered mental illnesses. Sometimes, this is where my brain leads me late at night when I can’t sleep because my brain won’t shut up – googling the broad spectrum of mental illness out of curiosity. I spent most of my college years in strictly math related classes so I feel like I missed out on information you would learn should you have a well rounded education. Sometimes, I google the specific things I struggle with- anxiety depression. And sometimes when I let my anxiety and overthinking brain really get the best of me, I google all the things google tells me I probably also have and just haven’t been diagnosed with- I don’t recommend doing this.

As I sit here typing all of this out, it’s 10:30 pm. I just convinced myself to eat dinner an hour ago. I had a sandwich and a cookie for dinner. I only had the sandwich cause I knew if I told anyone I only had a cookie for dinner it would open a can of worms that doesn’t need to be open. I had to spend an hour and half talking myself into going to church on Sunday. I gave myself exactly 15 minutes to get ready and get out the door. My sleep schedule at night has been really regular the last week or so, almost too regular, but I also feel the need to sleep the rest of the day or at least not leave the bed. Mornings are MAD hard. I think I’ve been late for work more than I’ve been on time since returning home from the Philippines at the beginning of the month. I’ve been asked if I hate mornings. I’ve been asked if I hate work. I’ve also been told I have “RBF”. I make it through the day, but when I’m finally alone in my room at night, I feel the need to crash and hope that maybe the next day will be better. With all of these facts and some I don’t want to type out, you’d think I would have registered well before today that I’ve entered a depressive episode that isn’t going to just end when I wake up tomorrow. Up until today I was pretty convinced that I was just having a lot of down days. I didn’t put all of the pieces together and realize the extent of what was going on until my sandwich and cookie dinner tonight.

Are there things I could blame this on? Oh, for sure. I’ve weaned off one medicine so I can start another one. I’ve been medicine free for over a week and a half while waiting to start the next one. It’s safe to say my meds did more to help with the depression than I realized. I had to put my car in the shop again. I looked at my bank account and remembered how broke I am. I’m not where I want to be literally, physically, geographically, emotionally, spiritually. These 110% could be the cause of the rough week I’ve experienced. Tonight marks one week since the onset, and I’m not sure there is a clear end in sight.

Do I know the things to do to try and fight depression? Sure. Get sun. Drink water. Eat food- preferably healthy meals. Do life giving things- disc golf, the beach at sunset, maybe even some math problems. Spend time with the Lord. Make yourself do the things even when you don’t want to- which is where I’m at. I just don’t want to do them.

I often find myself wondering will this ever end? Will I have to struggle with depression and anxiety the rest of my life? Will it constantly be this obnoxious cycle of good weeks/good months to bad weeks/bad months? Can this really be what the rest of my life will look like? Better yet, has my life always looked like this and I just didn’t realize it?!

When I was overseas for a year, I struggled with depression, but making myself do the hard stuff to fight depression was somehow easier. Was it because I’m stubborn and there was no way I was going to leave before my year was up? Was it because I felt like my life had a defined purpose of building relationships with the intent of sharing about God? Whatever the reason I’ve landed on in the past, it’s clearly by the grace of God I was able to fight through the hard days overseas. And it’s because of Him, I’ll be able to fight through the hard days that happen while I’m not overseas. The fight might just be a little harder here.

One of my favorite songs we sang in church while overseas is the hymn, Because He Lives. Growing up in an American church, I feel like every time this hymn was sung by the congregation, it had a slow almost melancholy feel to it. In Slakaet, the song was fast and upbeat- and dare I say… joyful. The first Sunday we sang it, I didn’t realize what the song was until we hit the chorus.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow;

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know, He holds the future,

And life is worth the living just because He lives.

As I have sat and wrestled with all the thoughts in my head the last few weeks, the chorus above keeps playing in my head.

Because Jesus lives, I can face tomorrow… He conquered death and sin forever.

Because He lives, all fear is gone… Whatever tomorrow may bring, He’s with me.

Because I know, He holds the future… He is sovereign. He holds the universe in His hands. He knows what will happen… when it will happen… how it will happen. Because He is good, kind, and faithful, He can be trusted with the future.

Life is worth the living just because He lives… Because of His life, death, and resurrection, and His lordship in my life, my life has purpose and meaning. To bring Him glory and tell the world about Him.

While I don’t know if this struggle with mental illness will eventually end, or if it’ll be something I will deal with til He calls me home, I can face tomorrow because He lives. So tomorrow, I’ll try again to make myself do the hard things to fight depression. I’ll start with trying to get up with my first alarm and be on time for work- stranger things have happened.