Grief. Going. Healing.

I’m sure you read the title and thought “What the heck am I about to read?!”. That’s a valid question. And unfortunately it’s not a clear cut answer as to how the three things mentioned in the title all go together, but if you hang around long enough, I hope you’ll see how they’re related.

If you’ve followed my blog any, you know I love Jesus, I struggle with mental health stuff, and I have a brother who died. I openly talk about all three and this time, I’ll be talking about all three together.

I was having a conversation with my therapist the other day. I asked if covid would always trigger my anxiety? Would it always been an uncomfortable subject for me? There has been obvious growth on my part when it comes to covid and my anxiety, but I still get triggered more than I would like. The word “covid” doesn’t cause a full on anxiety attack anymore. I can have conversations about it. Sometimes my heart rate will increase, but the attacks are few and far between with just a basic covid conversation. Where the anxiety comes is when people talk about covid all lackadaisical like it was no big deal. When they say things like “rona” or “jab”, all of my unhealthy coping mechanisms come back into play to distract the anxiety that is starting to course throughout my body.

During the conversation with my therapist, she asked something along the lines of what did I think about people when they made these comments. Without missing a beat, I said “they are idiots”. She then said something that has prompted this post. She said my reality of covid and their reality of covid is different. My truth and their truth aren’t the same. While some people have walked through a story similar to what happened to my brother, there are even more people who haven’t walked through it and don’t understand why certain comments can be triggers.

I’m going to share my story, well, I guess Thomas’ story. I’m going to share how my brother, one of my favorite people in the world, died. I’m going to share the timeline of what happened as well as journal entries and Facebook posts I have from the time. Not because my story is important, but because it’s important for stories of real people to be heard. I think it’s also important for my grief journey.

August 4, 2021

Thomas called me early in the morning asking some prying questions. He eventually asked if I could come stay with him. He felt so sick and didn’t know if he should be alone. I told him I was supposed to start back to work Saturday and couldn’t. That’s the first time I can ever remember hearing my brother choke up into tears while on the phone. He said he understood and that he would be okay. Eventually, my parents got involved in the conversation. I left my family’s home that afternoon to go pick Thomas up from his house. He lived about 1.5-2 hours away. He had tested positive for covid after being exposed at work. My family was worried about him living alone so we were bringing him to a room at the house to quarantine him there. As we were about 45 minutes from home, I got a frantic call from my dad asking why I didn’t have Thomas at a hospital yet. Apparently Thomas had been having trouble breathing. He didn’t want to alarm me so he said nothing. I made a u-turn and found the closest hospital. My big brother was so weak, he couldn’t get himself out of the car. I told Thomas he was going to be alright. He thanked me for picking him up and bringing him to a hospital. I watched the nurse wheel him away into the emergency room. The nurse said that Thomas was in rough shape, but that I got him to the hospital fast enough that he should be okay and recover. Thomas got the last bed in that hospital. That was the last conversation I had with my brother. It was also the night I had my first anxiety attack.

August 6, 2021

I made my first Facebook post about Thomas being in the hospital this day. I hid it from him because naturally he’d be angry that I was putting his business on Facebook without his permission.

“PRAYER REQUEST!!! My oldest brother, Thomas, was admitted to the hospital Wednesday night with Covid. He got one of the last beds in the area, and has been in isolation ever since. The RN who treated him in the ER thinks we got him to the hospital fast enough that he should be fine, but he will have to stay in the hospital for a while. Any and all prayers are greatly appreciated by my family.”

Thomas was in his own private room. He was isolated from everyone else as anyone was who had covid at that time. My parents could go to the hospital to take him things, but they weren’t allowed into his room. For the first few days, when he felt up to it, he would talk to my mom on the phone.

August 7, 2021

The doctor called and told us Thomas’ levels had dropped overnight, and they moved him back to the emergency room where they had better equipment (small hospital that was overrun with covid patients).

“Update on Thomas:

He has gotten worse since Wednesday night when I got him to the ER. Sometime last night they moved him from his isolated room back to the ER because he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. The medical staff is now discussing intubating him.

Specific ways you can be praying:

Pray for his lungs. He has pneumonia which we’ve known about since he got to the ER. Pray he would be able to breathe and have enough oxygen without assistance from machines.

Pray for wisdom for the medial staff as they treat him and decide on the best course of action.

Pray for my family. We know the Lord is good and in control, but this is hard.”

By the end of the night, Thomas had to be intubated. If you followed along with the news about covid in 2020 and 2021, most people got a last phone call or video call before their loved one was intubated, that wasn’t the case for our family. The last non intubated image I have of my brother (where he’s still alive) is the one where he was wheeled into the hospital the night I dropped him off.

I remember texting a friend that night saying Thomas was going to be intubated. I said Thomas is going to die. He’s not going to survive this, and I don’t know what we are going to do without him. My friend told me that plenty of people get intubated and are just fine. Part of me wonders if my heart knew that my world was about to drastically change.

Another friend brought me a chicken nugget meal from McDonalds that night. Not previously mentioned, because I was the one to transport Thomas to the hospital, I had been exposed, and was trying to do my best to stay away from people and stay in the house until I could be tested. Our house had little to no food in it. Given the events going on, it made sense that groceries were not the priority. Another friend, knowing what was going on and the shape I was in mentally, face timed me while I was eating to make sure I was actually eating. The call lasted 3 hours because that’s how long it took me to eat my meal. I was having a hard time eating knowing my brother was intubated and doing so poorly in the hospital I took him to.

Journal Entry from August 7

I pray for Thomas. I pray You would heal his body. I pray you would give the medical staff wisdom on how to treat him. I ask that you would use this situation to draw Thomas back to a closer relationship with You. God, heal him both physically and spiritually. I ask, through this difficult event, we as a family would grow closer not only to each other, but also to You. I pray our actions and words would give You glory. I pray if it is not Your will for Thomas to be healed, that our response would be You are still good.

August 8, 2021

“Sunday update on Thomas:

He was intubated last night around 8. His intubation went well. Prior to his intubation, his oxygen levels were at 80. Because he is in the ER, my parents were able to suit up in gowns and masks and go in and see him. This is the first time they have been able to see him since Wednesday. Before coming home late last night, they were able to speak with the doctor. Thomas’s oxygen levels improved to a 93 after the intubation. At this point, he will stay intubated for another 2-3 days and continue to stay in the hospital until the end of this week at the earliest. We are thankful for finally getting some good news, but he still has a long ways to go to recover.

Keep praying for his lungs. Pray they would be healed. Pray that he will only have to stay intubated for those 2-3 days.

Pray that as he has a machine helping him breathe, the rest of his body will be able to rest and heal.

Thank you all for your prayers!”

The last update we got about Thomas’ condition this day was that Thomas was sedated and was in critical, but stable condition.

Friends started bringing us food on this day. It became clear that Thomas’ stay in the hospital wouldn’t be quick, and once he was released, he would have a long road to recovery.

August 9, 2021

I’m not sure when or how it happened, but somewhere along the way, I became the official spokesperson for the family. Facebook updates. Unnecessary conversations. I handled them.

“Monday update on Thomas:

He is still intubated and is in critical, but stable condition. Unfortunately the hospital has gone back to not letting anyone see him. The doctors are in the process of trying to ween him off of oxygen to see if his body can produce enough oxygen on its own. If he can produce enough oxygen, they will take him off of the ventilator. They said this could be a slow process. Thomas had another chest x-ray done last night and it sounds like again this morning which showed slight improvement to his lungs from his initial X-ray from Wednesday night.

Keep praying for his lungs. The pneumonia was invasive. Pray his lungs would heal, and he would be able to breathe on his own.

The doctors keep reiterating that even after he is off of the ventilator he will have a long road before he is fully recovered. Pray for wisdom for the doctors as they continue to treat him.

My family greatly appreciates all of your prayers and greatly appreciates all of the people who are offering to help us in anyway possible!”

August 10, 2021

“Tuesday update on Thomas.

Thomas is still sedated and intubated. The doctor still has him classified as critical, but stable. Thomas was able to take 18-20 breaths without assistances. The plan is still to slowly lower his oxygen levels and see if his body can manage without help from the ventilator. The doctor was able to ask Thomas yes or no questions today which Thomas was able to answer by squeezing the doctor’s hand. Based on the amount of questions asked and answered, the doctor is confident Thomas is still understanding what is being said to him. While the progress and improvement is slow, we are thankful for it.

Keep praying for his lungs.

Pray the pneumonia would continue to clear.

Pray his body would be able to breathe without the assistance of machinery.”

August 11, 2021

“Wednesday update:

Thomas has gotten significantly worse overnight. One of his lungs collapsed. The doctors have decided he cannot be treated here anymore, and they have put him on a transfer list. His condition needs a team of specialists who can monitor him better. They have a military plane on standby waiting to transfer him, and are hopeful to have him moved soon. The doctor is going to do his best to let us in to see Thomas before the transfer takes place.

Today marks one week since he was admitted into the hospital. Please keep praying.

Pray for his lungs.

Pray his body would be able to heal and function properly without the assistance of machinery.

Pray they are able to find a place SOON that can treat him.

Pray for wisdom for both his current medical team and the team who will be receiving him.

Pray for mom and dad as they get ready to follow Thomas to wherever he is transferred to.”

I had been cleared of having covid the day before. I had plans to go have coffee with a friend that evening just to get out of the house and get some space with everything that was happening. I cancelled those plans because of the how much worse Thomas had gotten overnight. The friend called and asked how I was doing. I think that was the first time I showed emotion to anyone what was going on. She asked how I was handling everything and I immediately began to cry. Again, because I think my heart knew that this wasn’t going to end well. It wasn’t going to end like I wanted it to.

August 12, 2021

“Thursday update:

Thomas needs somewhere to be transferred to. Yesterday afternoon, the doctor told us Thomas was holding his own, but he needs a hospital better equipped to treat him.

Timothy got home early this morning. We have all been able to see Thomas since my last update. I don’t know that seeing my brother intubated is something I’ll ever be able to get out of my head. If I could trade places with him, I would have done it long before now.

Pray that Thomas can be transferred and soon. The hospital has been trying to find him a place to go since Saturday with no luck. He needs to go somewhere with ECMO capabilities. Pray that a spot would open up somewhere or that we’d be able to find a hospital that hasn’t already been called.

Pray that his body would be healed. We serve Jehovah Rapha. Ask that the Lord would not only heal Thomas’s lungs, but his body as a whole.

Continue praying for his current medical team and the team at the hospital he will hopefully go to. Ask for wisdom as they make plans to best treat Thomas.

This is incredibly difficult, but we know the Lord is good, the Lord is ever present, and the Lord is in control.”

When I saw Thomas intubated, I immediately started to cry. How could my big brother, the brother who, as far as I was concerned, was indestructible, be intubated? How could he be in such bad shape? Is this what it was like to watch a loved one die? Was he dying? Would the Lord give us the miracle we, and so many other people all over the world, were praying for?

I told him about all of the people who were praying for him. I named specific names. I told him about what we were doing to try and get him the help and care he needed. I told him he had to get better if for no other reason than for us to watch the Black Widow movie together. For those who care, I still haven’t seen it. I was supposed to see it with Thomas, and that’s not an option anymore.

August 13, 2021

Somewhere in being in charge of all communication, a family friend from out of state texted me and asked what she could do for us. She was praying. She had all of her people praying. She wanted to do more. She offered to send us a meal. She offered to do a grocery delivery. She offered to drive the 6+ hours just to be an extra person in the house to help with all the things going on. I told her that I didn’t think anyone would tell her no or turn her away if she wanted to come be with us. She showed up at our house late on the night of the 13th. Praise God that she came and was there for us and with us as Thomas’ journey began to come to an end.

“Friday update on Thomas.

Mom just got off of the phone with the doctor. Things aren’t looking good. Thomas is in respiratory failure. He needs to be transferred somewhere that has both an ICU bed available and can provide ECMO treatments.

Please keep praying for my brother. Pray for healing. Pray the respiratory failure would stop. Pray that a bed somewhere would open and that they would agree to the transfer him before it is too late.

We serve the great physician, the only one who heals. We are praying for a miracle. Please pray with us.”

This was the last time I saw Thomas in the hospital. It was also the last time I got to see him close up and talk to him. I’m not sure if he could hear me either of the times I talked to him. I told him I needed him to “fight like h*ll”. I told him he couldn’t die. We wouldn’t make it without him. He was the glue to our family and he needed to fight until he couldn’t fight any longer.

Not mentioned, sometime between the initial lung collapse and chest tube being put in, he had to get another chest tube put in because of his other lung either also collapsing or just having trouble functioning on its own.

Everyone we knew on social media and in real life began trying to help find Thomas a hospital to go to. Our state was out of beds. Our state only had a few ECMO machines, and Thomas didn’t meet the criteria of someone they would give it too because of his stats. They believed others had a better chance with the treatment than he did. This turned out to be the case of several different places. Some states refused to take patients from outside of their state. To say we felt hopeless was an understatement. As my updates were being shared, I began receiving message requests from strangers and long lost friends all over the states. Everyone was trying to help us find Thomas the care he needed.

We found a hospital with an ECMO machine and an ICU bed to take Thomas, but they were on the other side of the states. The hospital Thomas was at no longer had a medical flight for Thomas to get there.

August 14, 2021

From the night of the 13th through the early mornings of the 14th, we stayed up. We made phone calls. Searched the internet. We did everything we could. At some point, we found a plane to make it happen. By the time I was able to finally take a nap on the afternoon of the 14th, I had been awake for 30+ hours straight. During the 30+ hours, Hold Me Together was on repeat.

“Saturday update!!!

The Lord heard our cries and answered!

Thomas has a flight to the hospital in Salt Lake!!! He will be picked up at 3:30 from his current hospital. St. Mark’s is holding his room for him because he will be on his way! Not only does Thomas have a flight, the hospital just had an ECMO treatment available and they are saving it for him!!!

Please keep praying! We have the flight and the bed and the treatment available, but Thomas is still very sick and has a long road ahead of him! I’ve been praying that the Lord would heal him in such a way that people can only say look what God has done!

Keep praying for his lungs. He is still in respiratory failure. Covid is still in his body.

Pray for the transport there. Pray it would go smoothly and would not cause Thomas more harm than good. This transfer doesn’t guarantee a cure for Thomas, but it gives him a fighting chance. Thomas is stubborn and won’t go down without a fight. I was able to see him last night. I told him about all of your prayers and all of you who are fighting for him. I told him he had to fight with all he had.

Pray for the new medical team. Ask that they would have wisdom in how to best treat Thomas and his condition.

Pray for my parents. They are making arrangements to follow Thomas to the West. The Lord is already providing things for them in Salt Lake!

Thomas’ journey is far from over, but we are so thankful he has the ability to keep fighting. Thank you all for your prayers and for every single one of you who has been sending us options to look into for both hospitals and flights out there. We are forever grateful.”

Naturally, as the rest of this story has worked out, the plane couldn’t take him. They weren’t prepared for someone as sick as he was. So the search resumed for a new plane. During the process of looking for a different plane, the hospital on the other side of the states could no longer hold the ECMO machine for Thomas. They said if it was open when we got him there, it was his, but they couldn’t continue holding it for him. Our pastor and his wife came over that night. When they left, they told me I needed to go see Thomas. I needed to go to the hospital. I didn’t go though. I stayed home… I should have gone. I would have gone had I realized the next time I was in the same room with him, it would just be his lifeless body.

August 15, 2021

As mom, dad, and our family friend went to the hospital to settle things with Thomas’ transportation out west, I went to church. I didn’t know what else to do, and I don’t know that I wanted to be anywhere else. I was hugged. I was prayed for. I was encouraged. I left church and went to pick something up for me and Timothy for lunch. We got a phone call that we needed to meet our parents at the local airport. This is where Thomas would be departing from. We beat the ambulance there. The medical flight crew told us that Thomas was incredibly sick. They couldn’t guarantee he would survive a flight to Salt Lake City. They said they already had a plan ready should he crash mid-flight. They had a hospital on standby. The head of the crew told us he wanted us all to say goodbye to Thomas before they left because the odds of him surviving weren’t that high. Before we were able to see him, the medical staff alerted the head of the crew that something was wrong with Thomas’ chest tube/chest tubes, and they needed to take him off the plane and take him to the nearest, high ranking hospital.

“Sunday update.

Thomas was on the plane getting ready for take off to Salt Lake when he had issues with his lungs. They had to take him to a new hospital to get a new chest tube put in. He will stay the night there. If they can stabilize him, they will try to fly him to Salt Lake again tomorrow morning before Fred (hurricane) comes ashore. Thomas is CRITICAL. They believe his best chance for survival is in Salt Lake, but there is concern that he won’t make it through the flight to get to the hospital.

We are praying for a miracle. Praying that Jehovah Rapha would heal my brother and allow us more time with him here. Please pray with us. If you have any friends that are prayer warriors, ask them to pray on my brother’s behalf.

I keep praying that the Lord would heal his lungs. I pray the respiratory failure would stop. I pray that Thomas would get better so quickly that the only response anyone could have is look what God has done. The Lord is good. The Lord is wise. The Lord is sovereign. While we don’t understand why things keep happening the way they are, we are trusting in Him.”

Minutes after I posted this update, we got a phone call from the hospital telling us we needed to come. I remember the car ride down there well. Mom was sobbing saying Thomas was dead. Dad was saying we don’t know that. My heart just kept jumping from being hopeful the Lord had given us the miracle we had hoped for to we were going to the hospital to say goodbye to my brother’s body because he was gone. Timothy sat in silence. Our family friend tried to keep everyone calm. When we got to the hospital, a staff member led us into a room adjacent to the emergency room and said the doctor would be in to see us soon.

The doctor walked in and asked us a question or two. He then told us Thomas was in cardiac arrest when he arrived at the hospital. He said Thomas had been in it for 15+ minutes before he even got to the hospital. He said they did everything they could, but unfortunately Thomas didn’t make it. In that instant, my world changed forever. I’ll never forget the sounds of my parents sobbing over the lost of their first born. The confusion of what do we even do. Who did we need to call? Who was going to call who? I remember refusing to call someone because I didn’t want to, I didn’t think it was the time to be doing that, and I was still trying to process what had just happened. The hospital told us because Thomas had been in the hospital because of Covid that if we were to see his body, we would have to quarantine and delay a funeral. After much discussion and pointing out the flaws in their logic, the hospitality specialist let us see his body.

The last post made about Thomas’ battle with covid.

“Thank you all so much for all of your prayers. Thank you all for fighting for my brother. Unfortunately, Thomas did not make it. He died before we were able to make it to the emergency room.

Please continue to pray for my family. We are so grateful that though we are grieving, we do not grieve like those without hope. This is unbearably hard, but we know the Lord is good even in the midst of this. Please pray for us.”

Thomas was 35 years, 2 months, and 5 days old when he died. The week following was a whirlwind of emotions and events. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes, I either saw Thomas intubated or his lifeless body in the hospital. Friends were stopping by. People were bringing food. We had to plan a service for Thomas. We had to sort through pictures and decide which ones best represented Thomas. We had to decide what songs would be plated during the service. We had family coming in. We had to go clean out his apartment and figure out to do with all of this things. It was a lot.

Journal entry August 25

In the song Promises, there’s a line, “Your history has proved there’s nothing you can’t do.” Why is is there are no things that you cannot do, but there are things you will not do? Like heal Thomas. Why couldn’t/wouldn’t You heal Thomas? Why did he have to die? Why did he have to die so quickly? I know Romans 8:28 says you are working all things for the good of those who love You, but how is his death good? How can anything good come from it? Why couldn’t it have been your will for a miracle to happen to Thomas. It happens to other people. Why not him? I’m just so angry at you for hearing my cry and answering it differently than how I asked. I don’t want to be mad though. I know you are good and are at work even when I can’t see it. Why can’t my response be one like Job’s? The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, but still I will bless your name. I don’t want to find comfort in anything or person besides you, but you feel so far away. The Bible says to cast our cares on you for you care for us and that you hear our prayers… but do you really hear me in this grief? Even when I’m unsure and have doubts, Lord, help me trust you. Help me keep my eyes on you. Help my attitude and perspective change from I’m so mad to either Job’s response or I can trust You with this.

Thursday will be the 3rd anniversary of Thomas’ death. Journal entries like the one above riddled my journal for well over a year. The reality is, the Lord did heal Thomas. He is fully healed and with his maker. I just had to learn how to accept that God’s will for Thomas’ life didn’t align with what I wanted. While Thomas’ whole covid journey caught my family off guard, the Lord knew. Before Thomas was born, the Lord knew when and how he would be called home. I think I will always wish that I could have had more time with Thomas here, but I praise God Thomas knew Him.

If you are one of those people lucky enough to not have this be your reality of covid, be thankful. I hope sharing my brother’s story sheds some light on why myself and so many others still struggle with anxiety amongst other things when having conversation about covid. Our realities are different, and I’m going to remember that the next time someone cracks a covid joke. Our realities are different, and I can’t hold their view of covid against them or think differently of them because of it.

If you are reading this, and like me, you’ve lost someone to covid. You aren’t alone. There are a bunch of us out here together. Remember no is perfect. We are all flawed. When people say something that “offends us” or triggers our anxiety, remember, the reality you and I had with covid is different. You can’t hold that against people.

If you’ve made it this far in the post, thanks for sticking around as I told my brother’s story. I’ve prayed since Thomas died that somehow, someway, I could use my story and Thomas’ story, to be an encouragement to others and ultimately point them to Christ. Anniversaries are hard. Figuring out anxiety, what triggers it and how to calm it down is tough. Covid conversations can set me on edge, but I’m grateful that in this, the Lord is still with me. He is using this to continue to mold me into His likeness. Life can be hard, but man, even so, God is still good.

Psalm 40:1-2

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he inclined to me and heard my cry.
 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
    out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
    making my steps secure.