I think we can all agree, if you’ve experienced it, that grief, deep grief, is a hard and unpredictable experience. Hard in the sense your love one is dead and you now have to figure out what life looks like without them. Unpredictable in the sense your emotions are everywhere depending on where you are in the grieving process.
This August will mark 4 years since my brother died. I don’t think I’m stuck in my grief. I do think I have grieved and grieved my brother’s death well, but sometimes hard days come. Death anniversaries, is that what we call the day they die?, and birthdays are usually not pleasant days. National siblings day when everyone and their cousin is posting cute siblings photos is also not pleasant, but it’s a different kind of unpleasant. On the important days related to Thomas, I find myself sadder than usual. On the random days like national siblings day, I find myself angry? jealous? bitter? Name an emotion like that, and I guarantee I have felt it.
Last week, I experienced a different feeling or emotion or even thought towards grief. I’m honestly not really sure what it is classified as. A friend mentioned a weekend in August to me. I thought to myself that date seems important or familiar, but I couldn’t place why. A few hours later I remembered. It was the anniversary of Thomas’ death. I think in terms of cognitive distortions more than I really care to admit (it is something I am actively working on). For whatever reason, catastrophizing things is my go to. As the reality sunk in that I had forgotten the day my brother died, my mind took that fact and ran wild with it. Because I forgot the day he died, I will forget his birthday. Because I forgot the day he died, I would forget that he was even ever alive. Because I forgot the day he died, I will eventually forget all of the things that made Thomas, Thomas.
We all can see how irrational my thought process became. But for a brief 5 or 10 minutes, those thoughts were what I thought was the inevitable. I was convinced, that in my mind, Thomas would cease to exist. He wouldn’t be someone from my past, he wouldn’t mean anything to me. I’m grateful those thoughts only ran wild in my head for the short time that they did. I’m grateful they were my thoughts now that I am in a healthier mental and emotional space than I was this time in 2022. If those thoughts occurred in 2022, I don’t even want to think about what could have happened. I know for sure the spiral of catastrophizing thoughts would have lasted significantly longer.
Will I forget things about my brother? I’m sure I will. No one has a perfect memory and can remember every little detail about every little thing about every single person. Will I forget that Thomas existed? If I do, there is something wrong with my brain and memory. As my older brother, he was one of the first friends I had. He shaped too much of who I am that I can forget that he was once alive. As I grow older and the time I had with my brother becomes farther and farther away, I will forget things, but I could never forget that fact that Thomas was here and that he was my big brother.
I do dare to say that Thomas is more alive now than ever before. When he lost his battle with COVID and took his last breath, he changed his address from earth to heaven. He is in a perfect place where there is no more tears, no more sorrows, and no more pain. The things that plagued him in this life no longer exist for him. One day, we will be reunited again in that perfect place.
Grief is an almost weird club that you get to be a part of, not that you want to join it, but eventually everyone does. Once you are in, you are in. But this unfortunate club doesn’t have to define you or change who you are. This club doesn’t have to dictate and rule your life until you die. It can, but it doesn’t have to. I’m grateful for the little ways the Lord allows me to see how far I’ve come. From being an all in member of the club, not sleeping, not eating, really dark, DARK thoughts, to someone who acknowledges what has happened, the pain and sorrow that came with the grief, but has found a way to keep living. The way was through God’s grace and mercy. His mercies are new every morning. As long as I’m alive, there are reasons to praise the Lord.
I’m sure more weird encounters with grief will come my way, but maybe by then I will move on from the need to catastrophizing every unpleasant thing that enters my brain. I may forget the day my brother died again, but I will never forget Thomas and his influence in my life.
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Grief. Going. Healing. 
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