Grief. Going. Healing.

I’ve been doing a lot of grief work lately. If I’m honest, it’s probably the most intentional grief work I’ve done since I attended grief share the spring after my brother died. I finished the book Grieving the Write Way for Siblings. 10/10 would recommend it to a friend. It’s hard. Some days you feel like you’ve been hit by multiple trains back-to-back, and then when you think it’s finally over, you get hit again by a dang semi-truck. Have I painted a clear enough picture of what some days look like working through grief work? I wish I had used this book sooner. I think some of the writing prompts would have been more relevant after he died versus now. Nevertheless, it was helpful.

You’d think, I’d think also, that after doing grief work, I’d be feeling griefy. More sad? More weepy? More just blah? I should be feeling some kind of grief related feeling, right? Is it good or bad I feel none of those things? For the sake of being optimistic for once in my life, I’m going to say it’s good. Maybe it means I’ve made it far enough along in my grief journey that every little thing doesn’t break me. I’ll obviously always miss my brother and wish he was still around, but I think I’ve hit the point in my journey where his absence has, for lack of a better way to say it, stopped affecting every day of my life. I’m sure holidays, his birthday, and special days will affect me in some sort of way, but thankfully it’s no longer an everyday occurrence.

I think my grief journey has consisted of a lot of why questions… Well, let me rephrase it, I know it has consisted of a lot of why questions. I’d even say it consisted of a lot of if then type statements and questions too. I’m sure all of the questions running rampant in my head made it more difficult than needed, but I think some part of me is grateful for all of the questions. Let me list a few, and then I’ll attempt to explain why I’m grateful.

Why did Thomas have to die when he did?

Why did You hear our prayers for healing for Thomas to be here longer and decide to not answer them with a yes?

Why did I have to be the one to take Thomas to the hospital?

Why couldn’t he get the help he needed?

If You are good, this wouldn’t have happened.

If You are loving, why do You let people die?

If You are healer and miracle worker, then why didn’t you heal my brother? Must mean you aren’t a healer. Must mean you don’t work miracles.

The above is just a small glimpse of the questions I’ve asked more than once the last 33ish months. If your brain works like mine, I have cycled through these questions many times. Sometimes I’m lucky enough that when I cycle through it a second or third time, my brain leads me down a completely different path of thinking and question asking that makes it all the worse.

I was talking to a “friend” the other day about my grief work and one of the writing prompts I had recently done. The prompts were something along the lines of talking about all of the questions I find myself asking over and over are… and if I had to describe what my heart and soul are saying through the questions, I would say… That week in particular had several variations of those prompts that were attempting to get you to expose what you really thought.

As I was sharing my writings, my “friend” asked me questions about what I wrote. Questions along the lines of well, why shouldn’t Thomas have died? What set him apart from everyone else in the world… The type of questions that I should have caught on to what was really happening. She eventually said it sounds like to me you don’t think good people should die and or that death isn’t a good thing. I naturally attempted to rebuttal the statements and just ended up flustered and ready to talk about the next topic of conversation. As my day went on, those questions kept floating around my head. Is death good? Do I think good people shouldn’t die? Naturally the pondering of those questions then led to questions like, well if I don’t believe death is a good thing, and believe that good people shouldn’t die… what other theological things do I think wrongly on? My brain went on a fun little spiral of constant questions that resulted in lots of anger, confusion, and lack of sleep.  

Some of you are probably wondering where this post is going. Like you, I also wonder. I honestly have no idea what the rest of this post will contain. I’m just following the Holy Spirit’s leading. If I were reading this, I would probably think this is about to turn into one of those deconstruction of faith posts where I post some bizarre new beliefs. Thankfully, I have not had a deconstruction of faith and merely had to sit with the Lord and discover what I truly believe and if that “friend” was right or not. Hindsight, I don’t think my “friend” was truly implying that I don’t think death is good or that I think good people don’t deserve to die as much as asking the questions to make me stop and think about some of the words coming out of my mouth.

Do good people deserve to die? Looking at scripture, there is not a single good person. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). There is no inherently good person on earth. We all have sinned. Sin is anything we think, say, or do that breaks God’s heart and His commandments. Scripture tells us that the punishment for our sin is death (Romans 6:23). So based on scripture, my question of do good people deserve to die is a dumb question. No one is good and we all deserve to die because of sin. But praise be to God that He loved us so much that while we were still sinners, He sent His son Jesus to die for us to pay the price for our sin (Romans 5:8). Jesus is the only good and perfect person to ever walk to the face of the earth. And He died a death he didn’t deserve to pay the price for our sin.

Is death good? Absolutely, if the person is a believer. Scripture is clear that there are exactly 2 outcomes after someone dies. You either spend eternity with God in heaven worshipping your creator for all eternity or you spend eternity separated from God in hell. A place of constant torment and fire. So what makes someone a believer? A believer is someone who confesses Jesus as Lord and believes in their heart that God raised Jesus from the dead (Romans 10:9).

My brother did some good things while on earth. I’m sure I’m a little bias because he’s my big brother but even then doing good things didn’t make him a good person. Death is unfortunately a part of this life. One day, Christ will return, and death will no longer be a thing. Thankfully, Thomas knew the Lord. He was a believer. So for him, death was a good thing. But for the people he’s left behind, it doesn’t always feel like a good thing. Our person is gone, but because of Jesus, he won’t be gone forever.  I often have to remind myself of this truth.

Good people do deserve to die because no one is truly good. Death is good if the person is a believer. I think the question from my “friend” caused me so much turmoil because I thought I had made it past the part of grief that can cause you to question your beliefs. I’m thankful the “friend” asked the questions despite the spiral that followed. I’m thankful to have people who care enough about me to ask the hard and uncomfortable questions. I’m thankful my brain works the way it does and makes me look at and examine all of these different questions. I’m even more thankful to have a heavenly Father and meets me where I am even when I sound like a broken record asking the same questions over and over.

I guess I write all of this as a way for me to put these questions to rest. As well as to encourage anyone else going through hard things and asking the hard questions, to keep pressing in and doing the hard things. God sees you. He hears your cries. He will ALWAYS meet you exactly where you are. It’s okay if you too sound like a broken record at times. God is faithful. He won’t get annoyed with your repetitiveness. He cares. He’s going to walk with you through all of your questions and doubts. Remember, what you knew to be true in the light is still true in the dark.