Yesterday on Facebook, a memory of a story from last year popped up. The story was a blog post I had written and shared. Naturally, I went back to the post to see what I wrote about and to see if anything had changed. It’s May so I wrote about mental health. Since it’s still May, and so much has changed in a year, here’s another post about mental health. Here’s the post from last year should you want to compare the two.
Five years ago had you asked me about the importance of mental health, I probably would have given you some dumb answer because I had no opinion. I knew people had mental health issues. I knew people who had mental health issues, but 5 years ago, it wasn’t my issue… or at least I didn’t think it was. Whether we like to admit it or not, we often have the mindset of if it doesn’t bother or affect me, no need to worry about it. I had that mindset. Praise the Lord, He used the hardest season of my life to help change that mindset.
Five years ago, I had no idea about the heartbreak…devastation… nightmare that was about to wreck life as I knew it. I had no idea that in 3 shorts months, my brother would be gone. I had no idea that within 6 months, I would enter a deep depression. A depression so deep that I wondered what was the point. I had all of these ideas of things I could do to harm myself because that pain would make sense. I didn’t feel like the pain I was experiencing made sense. If I had a tangible wound, at least then the pain would make sense.
Fast forward to now. It’s May 2026. June 9th will mark 4 years since I started therapy. You may ask how I remember such a day. June 9th, 2022 was the day before my brother’s birthday. He should have turned 36, but the Lord had better plans and my brother was celebrating that day in heaven. His first birthday in Heaven and our first time experiencing Thomas’ birthday after his death. I was a wreck and my poor therapist had to deal with the hot mess in that intake appointment. I prayed on my way to that appointment something along the lines of “God, if you want me in therapy, it better work out with this lady. Cause, I REFUSE to do this again.” I hadn’t even been yet, but I knew that first appointment would be rough and I had no intention of doing it again.
When I left that appointment, I looked at my bank account and told myself I was only going back 7 more times. If I was “fixed” within those 7 appointments, great. If not, I could at least tell people I gave therapy a shot, right? I was not “fixed” after 7 appointments, nor did I stop going. Somehow and in someway, the Lord provided a way for me to keep going.
Almost 4 years later, I don’t know that I would call myself “fixed”. Will any of us truly be “fixed” on this side of Heaven? We live in a fallen world where sin and death exist… until Christ returns tears and pain and sorrow will continue to exist, but one day, they will all be no more.
Almost 4 years later, I can see how much better my mental and emotional health has become. The hot mess who cried every session and then berated herself afterwards for doing so no longer exists. Sure, I still cry in my appointments sometimes. But tears aren’t the enemy. They aren’t something to be embarrassed of. If anything, I’m proud of myself for getting to the place of being willing and comfortable to show vulnerability without feeling shame afterwards. I’m proud of myself for learning to trust and identify safe people. I say learning because I still have a way to go. I can talk about my brother, his life and death, without immediately becoming a puddle of tears. I’m proud of the growth I’ve seen. I’m proud of the person I’m slowly becoming because of therapy. I’m grateful the Lord answered that prayer from 4 years ago about it working out with that therapist.
In my post from last year, I mentioned the PHQ-9 scale. I was somewhere around a 19-20 the first time I took it. This time last year I was at a 6. It’s fluctuated over the year, but it has never gotten above about a 10. I have been on 2 different daily medications to specifically help with my depression for almost 2 years now. Over the last 2 months, I have been working hard to get off at least one of those medication. The ideal situation would be to come off both altogether. As of Thursday, I have been off one of my medications for a week. Yesterday after my post from last year resurfaced, I found myself taking the PHQ-9 assessment. I answered honestly about the last two weeks. When it was all said and done, I came back with a 3 as my final “score” which basically means I’m cured… or at least that’s what I’m going to tell my therapist next time! haha! I don’t know that I will ever be able to come off my antidepressant… Depression may be the thorn in my side from here on out, but things are changing for the better.
Psalm 40:1-2
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
In my journey with mental health, I feel like I have been stuck in verse 1 of Psalm 40 for so long. Waiting patiently, maybe not always patiently, for the Lord. In the last few months, I feel like I’ve turned the page and have made it to verse 2. I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel for a while. But now, I can feel it. I can feel the Lord pulling me from that pit of destruction, putting my feet on the rock, and giving me a firm place to stand.
The Lord is so good and kind. And even if I couldn’t feel Him pulling me from the pit… Even if I was still scoring in the high teens on the PHQ-9 assessment, He would still be so good and so kind. The Lord never promised us an easy journey in this fallen world, but He promised to sustain us and be with us every step of the way.
If you are reading this and are struggling with your mental health, you aren’t alone. Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness or something to be ashamed or embarrassed of- I know I felt that way at first. And if I’m honest, sometimes my mind will still drift that way, but that’s a lie from the enemy himself. Getting help makes you brave. Getting help, letting someone in to your deepest and darkest places, that’s not something weak people do. There may be more hard days than not… this may feel like a never ending battle, but don’t give up. Don’t give in. Your mental health matters. You matter. You are so loved by the Almighty God who made everything, and if you don’t know Him, I would love to tell you about Him. I would love to tell you about the hope I have because of Him.
Psalm 34:17-18
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
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