Grief. Going. Healing.

One of my favorite parts about the end of the year is all of the year in wraps that come out. Spotify. Apple Music. Audible. Snapchat. They all give you a recap of your year as the year ends. Snapchat told me my most snapped person was my boss… weird, right? My spotify wrapped always throws me for a loop. I always think I know who my favorite artist will be and what song I listened to the most, but I’m usually wrong and am left puzzled. Because I know you are all dying to know what the background noise of my life is- I’ve provided a list of my most listened to songs and podcasts… remember, this is a judgement free zone- really talking about the podcasts… My song choices are flawless.

Songs

1. No Body- Elevation Worship
2. Fast Car- Unwell
3. Hope of the World- Red Rocks Worship
4. I had Some Help- Post Malone & Morgan Wallen
5. Holy Forever- Chris Tomlin

Podcasts

1. Digging up the Duggars – interesting to hear non-believers perspective on all things Duggar. Foul language throughout though.
2. True Believer: The Unsolved Murder of Elizabeth Mackintosh- The podcast that caused my brief hyper-fixation on true crime. I would recommend it to a friend though whether or not they are interested in true crime.
3. Cultish- 10/10 would recommend. This podcast helped feed my hyper-fixation on cults.
4. Serial Killers- Remember that true crime fixation? It led me to this podcast.
5. Hillsong: A Megachurch Shattered- I listened to the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill and was looking for something similar.

Now that my spotify wrapped is out of the way… My most favorite part of the end of the year is reflecting and remembering the past year. Highlights of the year. Lowlights. I just enjoy reflecting… probably more than I should. It’s encouraging? (not sure that’s the best word) to look back over the year and see all that has happened and be reminded of the Lord’s faithfulness through it all.

When 2024 started, I had a massive boil/staph infection on my head. It looked like I had a growth coming out of my forehead which I affectionately referred to as my alien baby. It extended so far up my head that it invaded my hairline and took out part of my hair. If we are friends on social media, you may have noticed that in all of the pictures I posted from January and part of February were at an angle so that you couldn’t see all of my face well… the alien baby is the reason. After about a month of strong antibiotics and a fancy germ killing body wash used twice a day, the infection left. I thought about showing a picture, but for fear of grossing people out, I decided it wasn’t the best idea. With how the year started, I was honestly worried about how 2024 was going to be for me. How grateful am I that my worries were really nothing to be concerned with. So here as some highlights, lowlights, and everything in between of my year.

Let’s start with some lowlights… things can only go up, right?

1. Obviously starting the year with the infection was a lowlight. But praise God, He sustained me through it. And now my hair is growing back so I have some funky bangs on that side of my head.
2. I had the best luck to experience traveler’s diarrhea on a flight from Manilla to Vancouver. I spent at least half of the flight (sixish hours) in and out of the bathroom. I threw up somewhere around 36 times in that time period. I’m sure the flight attendants were glad when my team and I got off the plane. 8 of us were sick with the same thing. I had to chuck some clothing in the airport which I feel like just makes me a true cross-cultural worker. I also learned something important during this incident. If you are severely dehydrated, drinking too much water too fast, will cause more vomit. But once again, the Lord sustained and grew me through that situation. I did indeed learn to “suck it up buttercup” and help get my team home.
3. Depending on who you are and what you think, you won’t consider this a lowlight. I came home with the intention of hopefully getting off medication. Not only did that not happen, I switched that medication and added two more to my routine. It’s hard to accept that maybe I’ll need medication for longer… that maybe I’ll need it for life. But, while I’m not thrilled with the medication, I’m grateful for the ability to have it and that it improves my mental health. While the time isn’t now, I still hope one day to be meds free. If that doesn’t happen, it’ll be okay. God’s got me and has a reason for all of this.

Everything in Between.

1. One of my favorite stories to tell involves my last day in Cambodia. Ask me about it, and I can tell you in extravagant detail what happened. But the “everything in between” part of the story… I rode on the back of a moto of someone who had been drinking while she was two live chickens in a plastic bag as we drove home. The said chickens almost escaped from the bag causing an almost moto accident. Have no fear though, neither I nor the chickens were hurt in this almost accident. The chickens were hurt later for our dinner.
2. I was able to surprise (I think) my parents when I came home. Were they surprised? The jury is still out.
3. I was able to tutor some college algebra. I was reminded how much I enjoy explaining a good math problem and how the Lord has blessed me with the ability to teach and teach well.
4. I learned how to fully prepare chicken for a meal. Holding it, defeathering it, the whole shebang. This is a life skill I may never use, but if I ever need it, I’ll be grateful for this knowledge.
5. My roommate bought me both of these books this year. See the image below. I think between Jesus, the zombie apocalypse survival book I read in high school, and these two books, I am ready for anything. Oh! and Don’t forget about the chicken knowledge from above. I am an important person for any post apocalyptic survival team.

Highlights.

1. I went back to a place I swore I would never go back to. When my brother died, I said I would never go back to the camp we both loved. It would be too hard to go knowing Thomas would never be there again. The saying of the camp is where memories are made and lives are changed, and that was entirely too true for me and Thomas. Well, at the beginning of December, I made my way back there for a night. It was hard. There were a lot of tears. My head hurt and my eyes were swollen the next morning, but I’m glad I went. It added some closure to my grief that I didn’t realize I needed. If you want to read more about the camp and my experiences there as well as my return, I previously wrote on the memories made and lives changed because of that place.
2. I spent 2 weeks in the Philippines with 16 teenagers and 3 other adults. I’m not sure that I would do it again, but I’m so grateful I was on that team. We all made it back home in one piece- more or less- please refer back to my lowlights if you don’t catch my drift about one piece. I got to experience a new culture, country, and interact with some beautiful, lost souls. My time in the Philippines did nothing but confirm I don’t know how I can do anything but share the gospel among the lost for the rest of my life. My favorite interaction on the island was with a lady called A. I’ve blogged about her before (Highest. Greatest. Holy Forever) so I won’t go too much into her story again. But how grateful I am to have been able to be a part of a team that shared the gospel and studied the Bible with her. It was clear to everyone there that she was seeking for truth. She told us that she wouldn’t know if she would spend eternity in Heaven or hell or spend time in purgatory until she died. I was able to share with her about Jesus being the way, truth, and life. Through faith in Christ, we can have assurance of our salvation and assurance about where we will spend eternity. The salvation doesn’t come by good works, but through grace by faith in Jesus. I pray for A often. I pray Romans 10:9 for her, that she would confess with her mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in her heart that God raised Him from the dead so that she might be saved.
3. While overseas, I realized just how Biblically and theologically dumb I am. Sure, I grew up in church. I did all the things, but I have so much more to learn. I enrolled in a certificate in Christian ministries. While in this certificate, I’ll get to take classes on Christian Theology, Hermeneutics, Old Testament, New Testament, and 3 electives of my choice. I have to finish this certificate before going back overseas. Not because someone is “making” me do it that way, but because I want to do it. I want to be as prepared as I can be to go and serve for the long haul. The class layout isn’t hard, but when you just studied math in undergrad and grad, it’s a big shift. That being said, I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn more, grow in my walk with the Lord, and be better prepared the next time I go.
4. I started therapy again. Is this really a highlight?? Depending on the day, I may give a different answer. But being back in therapy has allowed me to continue to work through the hard things. In addition to being more prepared Biblically, I also wanted to improve my mental and emotional health. What better way to do that then through some therapy. I had the opportunity to work through a grief book for siblings. The book provided a lot of anger, a lot of tears, even some profanity and ultimately a lot of healing. I still have a lot of things to work through and a LOT of growth to happen. I’m sure there are going to be more hard days and days that I leave mumbling how I hate therapy and I hate my therapist (should clarify, its a love hate relationship. The hate is there because I got called out on my junk or was given a reality check that session or I have some homework I don’t want to do), but I’m so grateful to be back in therapy and to see how it’s improving all areas of my life. Thankful for the friend in 2022 who told me I was going to therapy or else. Thankful for the friend who recommended my therapist. Thankful for my therapist and that the first therapist I went too was a good fit- cause I told God on the way to the first appointment if she didn’t work out, I was done with the therapy idea.

I’ve seen a quote going around social media a lot lately. It says something along the lines that you can’t compare your life to someone else’s to see “how you are doing”. You can only compare your life to the you that you were this time last year. For me, I can see that I’m doing better now than I was this time last year. I hope the same is true for you too. And if not, that’s okay. Keep pressing on. Keep taking life one day at a time. When that’s too much, take it one hour at a time, and when that’s too much, take it one minute at a time. I’m anxiously excited (can you use both of those words together?) for what 2025 is going to bring. I’m excited to see how the Lord is going to move and work, not only in my life, but in the lives of others. I often find myself quoting Psalm 13:5-6. As another year comes to an end, it seems appropriate to share it here.

Happy New Year, friends! If you’re comfortable, drop a comment below with something you’re proud of from 2024 or what you’re looking forward to most in 2025.

• How Could I Forget?
• Challenge
• Homesickness Used for Good.
• Saying Goodbye to 2025.
• Thankful 32