Depression. Grief. Random Thoughts from June.

Depression

The last time I blogged I wrote about finally feeling… doing… being better. I got off one medication for depression/anxiety during a rough couple of weeks. Last week, with my therapist’s approval, I started the process of weaning off my other medication for depression and anxiety.

My thought process was I’m killing it at this whole living thing without the other medication. I bet I don’t need the other one anymore either. Joke was on me. I made it one week in the weaning off process before I decided continuing in the process would only cause more harm than good.

It’s been a while, but those pesky intrusive thoughts started to surface again earlier this week. Fun little thoughts like if my car hydroplanes off the road into the trees, would I die? Walking through a parking lot during a lightening storm today my brain went “What if we get struck by lightening? Do we live? Do we die? Do we get a cool scar like Harry potter?” Both of those scenarios led my brain to start thinking about did it matter if I died? Would I be missed?

All of those thoughts above just confirmed that my brain still needs some help from the medication, and that’s okay. I tried to get off the medication and it didn’t work. The Lord has still pulled me from the mire and placed my feet on solid ground which is a statement I didn’t know I’d ever be able to say after my brother died. Being on medication for mental health does not imply I don’t trust the Lord enough nor does it imply I just need to pray harder. Medication does not disqualify me as a follower of Christ nor does it disqualify me for ministry.

Grief

Thomas, my brother, would have been 40 on June 10th. Anniversaries and birthdays are days that can be extremely unpredictable when it comes to emotions and even my mental state. This is the 5th time we have celebrated his birthday without him still living. It was different this year. Sure, I teared up briefly, but went on with the day. I’m not sure if my response was different because I was in a different space geographically, because I was staying with a dear friend and the space to just be or because grief has gotten easier? I’m not sure that can really be said though- grief getting easier. It just evolves and changes.

Driving home the day after his birthday, I had tears that I had honestly expected to happen the day before. They weren’t for any “big” reason. At my last gas stop for the day, I cleaned off the windshield of the car. My brain was immediately flooded with memories of road trips from the past. Every dang time we stopped for gas Thomas would be cleaning off the windshield. We could NOT leave unless he was able to clean off the windshield. If someone else would try to do it, he would criticize their work until the next stop… washing the windshield was his job. You can bet some tears came as I was washing the windshield. I’m sure I got some crazy looks for other travelers at the gas station.

At some point, Lord willing, I will live to be older than my brother. At another point, again, Lord willing, I will have lived longer without my brother than I did with him. Should I ever get married and have kids, those are big things he won’t get to be here for. Grief is complicated. Grief never really goes away… it just changes over time.

Random Thoughts from June.

I’m supposed to be doing therapy homework right now which seems to be a common theme of what I should be doing when I find myself blogging. Random thoughts from the month…

This season has done nothing but confirm the Lord’s calling on my life. Waiting is hard, but He is worthy.
There are people in my life that are “my people” that a year ago they were just people I knew. I’m grateful for the Lord’s provision in relationships that I didn’t even know I needed.
I finished a certificate last week. I’m currently contemplating what class or certificate I should do next.
I didn’t ask for it, but the Lord has given me plenty of opportunities to grow and expand skill sets I didn’t even know I had.
If I have to choose only one way to serve the church before leaving, it would hands down be on the worship team.
Bass is becoming my favorite instrument, but only when the drummer and I vibe well together musically.
You can’t choose which is better between Pokemon and Digimon, but we can all agree they are both superior to Yugioh.
Yes we all love Buccees, but is it truly the superior travel center? Can we really even call it a travel center? It’s like a mall.
If I had to choose between a zombie apocalypse, alien invasion, or jurassic world type situation, my greatest odds of survival would be with the zombies.
My new morning pep talk: You is going to be kind. You is going to smile. You is not going to be sarcastic (outside of your head)

Had you asked me 10 years ago, I never would have thought I would be suffering… no… not suffering, living with, anxiety and depression. I have anxiety. I have depression, but I am very much still living. Regardless of where I find myself, the Lord is still good. I never would have thought Thomas would have died before my parents. I never would have thought grief would become a close friend at the age of 27. Even so though, the Lord is still good. I can’t be the only one with those kind of random thoughts, right?

Depression. Grief. Random Thoughts from June.

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