Griefy Part 3

I’ve been blogging for almost 4 years now. I assumed it would just be a short stint in life for me… Blogging would just be a means to process life. The good, the bad, and the ugly, all of it. I assumed after my year overseas and after a few months of adjusting back to life in the states, I would be done. I never imagined that after 4 years, I would still sit down at my laptop and type out all of my thoughts to share with strangers on the internet.

August 15th marks 5 years since my brother passed away. I write about him a lot. I write about grief a lot- I’ll drop a list of some below.

As you can see, this is the 3rd installment involving my made up word of griefy. I usually only write one post around the anniversary of his death, but this is the second one this month. I was under the impression that this year might not be as hard as previous years… I wouldn’t feel griefy as long or as often during this time of year. I’m beginning to think my assumption was wrong. I’m for sure handling it better mentally and emotionally than I have in the past, but it’s still there.

I think it’s different this year because I’m house sitting for my parents… The house I grew up in with my brothers. The house I was bringing my brother to when I was rerouted to a hospital because he was struggling to breath. The house where I heard the sobs of my mother about how they were just going to let him die. The house where I sat on the driveway with a song on repeat after returning from the hospital knowing my brother was gone and nothing would ever be the same again. I haven’t stayed overnight in this house during this week since this week in 2021. I think this house… being here is what has caused the griefy feelings.

In the news the last week, there have been a lot of articles and reports about Dr. Fauci pleading the 5th when asked questions from the Senate regarding COVID-19 policies. Thomas was killed by COVID. I’m sure the uptick in the news about COVID and the policies that were place has certainly added to some of my on edge-ness this year.

Driving to work yesterday afternoon, I was talking to myself and making a list of all of the things I needed to do. While making my list, I realized one of the things I wanted to do, may need someone to talk to my idea about before doing it. The first person to pop into my head was Thomas… The one person I can’t call and talk to is the person who could give the best idea regarding my idea. It’s been over 4 years since that thought crossed my mind- call Thomas, and out of nowhere, it came to mind the week of the anniversary of his death.

I never really know what to call August 15th. What do you call the day someone died? Anniversary of his death seems too long. The day he passed away, too formal and still too long. Deathiversay and death day seem too morbid. In all actuality, while my brother is physically dead… his earthly body is buried up the road from my parents’ home… My brother is more alive than he ever was here on earth. Thomas is where we all long to be- in Heaven. He is where there is no pain. No more tears. No more sorrow, but even better, Thomas is in the presence of his master, creator, and savior. While I wish I still had my brother here, I would not want him to leave where he currently is.

Grief is hard to describe. It can be confusing. It may not make sense. Grief will ebb and flow for the rest of my life. I will have more days and weeks of feeling griefy. I miss my brother. But, I’m so thankful that the Lord made Thomas my brother to miss. While I don’t understand, I know the Lord knew when and how Thomas would die before Thomas was even born, and because the Lord is good, I know His plans are too.

Psalm 139:16

Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.

Griefy Part 3

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