Three years ago, I was about 5 months into the 12 months I would be living overseas teaching English and sharing about the hope I have. I was doing a study through Hebrews by Jen Wilkin. During the study, I was continually reminded of how much room for growth there was in my life. Also during this time, I was under constant attack about my ability and qualifications to do what I was doing. Somewhere in all of that, I started getting staph infections and it just wasn’t the best of times. It wasn’t the worst of times, but it definitely wasn’t the best of times.
This blog was born out of that. You can read that first post here. I felt a conviction to share my story with others… I felt conviction to talk about what the Lord was showing me. What better way to do that than through writing or in this case blogging. I really wanted to focus on what the Lord was showing me, and then sprinkle in my life story as needed. At some point, it became a whole lot of this is my life, and this is what the Lord is teaching me through it. I have written a LOT about grief. I have written a lot about depression and mental health. I’m sure some of that will continue because they are such huge parts of my story, but I want to get back to writing and sharing what the Lord is showing me in my personal walk with Him.
Late last month I moved into my new apartment in the new city that I will call home for the next year. The natural light is probably one of my favorite things about my apartment. A close second, if not my actual favorite thing, is the balcony I have off of my bedroom. It’s not big. Maybe 2 ft by 5 ft. But I just love it. I am on the 5th floor so I get to see some incredible sunrises (when I’m awake before the sun) and some incredible sunsets. I can also just step onto the balcony and view my city- the place I have worked so hard to get to.
One evening last week, I was unlocking my door to step onto the balcony and view an incredible sunset. The door opens onto the balcony and the majority of the door frame is inside my room. I’m not sure how I did it. The more I think about it, the more confused I get. But, in the process of unlocking the door and trying to go outside, I walked in such a way that I smacked my left eye on the door frame. I may or may not have said a four letter word because dang, that hurt. I was convinced either my glasses were broken, my eye would be black the next morning, or both. Praise the Lord nothing happened. I just had a headache for part of the night.
In my 30+ years in life, I have never, and I mean never, walked into a door frame and only hit my eye. I walk into things all the time, but I have never hit my eye. Who does that? How does that happen? I can’t even blame it on not paying attention or looking where I was going. I was looking to the balcony outside the door I was about to walk through.
As I sat and waited for what I thought was going to be a black eye to develop, I began to think about focus. Where was my focus when I ran into the doorframe? Where is my focus in general? The last 4 years I have done a lot of looking back at my past. A lot of examining why I am the way I am. A lot of hard questions were asked by my therapist about my past to help me become the healthiest version of myself. So the last 4 years, you could say my focus was on the past to help with the healing process. In the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality ( if you haven’t read the book, you should. I say this as I’m on my 3rd time starting it and hopefully actually finishing it this time) the author, Peter Scazzero says the following:
The work of growing in Christ does not mean we don’t go back to the past as we press ahead to what God has for us. It actually demands we go back in order to break free from unhealthy and destructive patterns that prevent us from loving ourselves and others the way God designs. Pg.28
I’ve done the focusing on what’s behind me and in my history to be more like Christ. That’s why I am where I am today. I’m not done growing and learning from the past, but I’ve done the work to start breaking free from the unhealthiness and destructive patterns of the past. So if my focus is no longer on the past, where is it?
I don’t know if this is true of all people, but my mind never really stops. My focus is always on something. Sometimes I get so focused on something, I become hyper-fixated on it, and it’s game over. That is the only thing I will be worried about. Going back to my eye high fiving the door frame, was I so focused on the sunset I was trying to view that I missed what was right in front of me- the door frame? My door has windows so technically I could see the sunset from where I was, but in my rush to get where I wanted to be, I missed what was right in front of me.
Thinking on a more spiritual level… where is my focus? Where is my focus right now? Am I focusing on the here and now, what God has placed right in front of my face to do? Or am I already looking ahead to the next thing? There is nothing wrong with being excited about the future… There is nothing wrong with expecting the Lord to move and do great things in and through you in the future… When the sole focus becomes the what’s next in life, and not the right here and right now, that’s when problems arise.
- What or who is your focus on?
- If your focus is elsewhere, what do you need to do to turn that focus back onto God and where He has you now?
Tomorrow and the next day and the next day and so on, all belong to God. Because God is good, faithful, and trustworthy, we can trust Him with all of the details in life. We don’t need to focus on the future and what it holds and miss the here and now. We don’t need to be anxious or consumed with the “what if’s” of life. We know who made all things and holds on things. We can focus and walk in what is in front of us and trust everything else to Him because it’s already His. Hopefully by focusing on the here and now, I won’t find my eye high fiving anymore door frames. One can hope, right?
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