This time 5 years ago I had just returned home from an incredible summer serving the Lord at a camp. I spent the summer working at a Christian camp where I got to lead worship and invest in the lives of countless kids. I had no idea what the next day would bring.
Tomorrow marks 5 years since the last time I had a conversation with my brother. Tomorrow marks 5 years since I drove him to the hospital because he was struggling to breathe. Tomorrow marks 5 years since he told me he was sorry that he was so sick and I had to take him to the hospital. 5 years since I watched the nurse help him out of the car and rush him into the hospital. 5 years since I told my brother it was okay and he’d be okay. 5 years since the last conversation I would ever have with him. 5 years since the beginning of the end of life as I knew it. 5 years since I spent the next 18 months of life trying to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault my brother died. If I’m honest, there is a part of me that still has to convince myself of that this time of the year.
My body has been slowly preparing for the next 12 days for the past week or so. Trouble sleeping. Lack of appetite. Maybe even a little more anxious and on edge? Today, driving home from work, the flashbacks and memories returned.
It dawned on me the other day that each year as I remember Thomas’ passing I get one year closer to being older than he was when he died… I am one year closer to having been alive longer without Thomas here than with him. I had Thomas as my big brother for 27 years of my life, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. I had to learn to navigate going from two siblings to one.
Becoming acquainted with deep grief and losing my brother so young wasn’t something I ever dreamed would happen. But is has. Grief has now become a close friend. I don’t cry everyday. I don’t get overwhelmed by the loss of him everyday, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss my brother or wonder what life would be like for him and our family had covid not wreaked havoc on his body to the point he could no longer fight.
I’m not sure how hard these next 12 days will be mentally or emotionally. I’m not sure how I will be mentally and emotionally on the anniversary of his death. But I know this to be true, God knew how long Thomas would be alive before Thomas ever came to be. God knew when and how he would die. God is good and thus everything He allows and ordains is also good even when we are left with questions.
Grief is unpredictable. Sibling grief isn’t something I’d wish on anyone. But, even so, He is still good.
Love you and miss you 3,000, bro.
If you would like to join me in feelings all the feels this week, feel free to listen to these songs. I’m sure they will find their way onto my Spotify the next 12 days.
- Imagine– Ben Platt
- In Case You Don’t Live Forever– Ben Platt
- If I Would have Known– Kyle Hume
- Still In Control– Mack Brock
- Nothing Is Wasted– Elevation Worship
- Faithfully– TobyMac
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Grief. Going. Healing. 
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